Is there anything I can do to help my 37 year old brother?

This sounds like a "cut all ties" situation.

Probably nothing. But the best chance for him would be to get arrested for semi-serious drug offense and sentenced to a long stretch of intensive probation. Having the prospect of prison hanging over one's head can really focus the mind. Also, most jurisdictions will provide and insist on outpatient drug counseling and regular random drug testing. All of this still requires him to want to quit, so while necessary, it may not be sufficient. For anyone who actually wants to quit using, the criminal justice system often provides an incredibly valuable service. Yes, I know, this goes against the conventional so called "wisdom" about evil law enforcement, but there is a lot of good to be had.

Getting arrested was the best thing that ever happened to me.

The ideal option would be to get him into a long-term care facility. If you can't do that, cut all ties.

Your brother is dying, and at this point, there is not much you or anyone else can do. Sounds like his brain is irreparably damaged. Don't burden yourself with a situation he created. Resign yourself to the fact that he will likely die in the next few years. It's stories like this that make me shake my head any time someone on the boards makes a post defending or promoting recreational drug use at any level. I have seen stories like your brothers play out far too often in this lifetime. Brain chemistry is a fragile thing.

The chance of you being able to help your brother are likely near zero. On the other hand, there have been cases like this, where seemingly hopeless people make what seems like a miraculous turnaround in 12-step programs like AA or NA. But for that to happen he's go to want help and admit to himself he's powerless to the overwhelming problems in his life, without it.

I don’t believe in treatment programs, don’t believe they work. My brother was forced to do them in the past they failed miserably because he could always come back to my dad’s enabling. As far as I know he was off meth between about 2014 and 2020, but started again this year. The drugs are not the problem, his character is. I wonder if there is a way to make him actually want to lead a better life, given the huge hole he and my father have dug him into.

This is not a joke.

You should get him into Ultra Running. A lot of the participants can relate to him.

Treatment programs can work surprisingly well, but they seldom do. The person with the problem has to want to quit, and has to have some well of self control and intelligence. These characteristics rarely coincide with severe drug addiction.

I have a very similar situation with my brother and father, and I know how painful it is.

I think you've done it right, focusing on your father. Your brother (and mine) can't be helped, and they just take advantage of any efforts to help them, and make everyone even more miserable. If your brother is like mine, he's just an awful, selfish, manipulating person whether he's high (or drunk like my brother) or not. They have toxic personalities driven to create conflict.

I'd continue to focus on your father, make sure he doesn't get ripped off. As far as your brother, protect yourself from him and keep him at a distance. Do what you can for him, but protect yourself first - don't let him make you any more sad than you are, and don't let him take advantage of you like he has done to your dad.

Easier said than done, I know. But toxic people like our brothers just make everything worse whenever they can. Build barriers, protect yourself.

One of the most important lessons I've learned in life:

You can’t make people be who you want them to be (or who they should be).

One must truly and deeply accept this hard reality. Most people might acknowledge this obvious truth, but then continue to act in complete opposition to it. Resulting in more futility and suffering.

It’s hard when they are loved ones and the right path is so obviously clear. But that doesn’t change the reality that you can’t make people be who you want them to be.

Sign in/register2 wrote:

I don’t believe in treatment programs, don’t believe they work. My brother was forced to do them in the past they failed miserably because he could always come back to my dad’s enabling. As far as I know he was off meth between about 2014 and 2020, but started again this year. The drugs are not the problem, his character is. I wonder if there is a way to make him actually want to lead a better life, given the huge hole he and my father have dug him into.

The answer to your last question is a hard f’ing no.

That’s a heartbreaking reality, but reality is reality. That’s just how it is. You can smash your self up against a mountain of granite, over and over again, but the granite ain’t moving.

In 2018 he asked me for help getting a job. He said he “would do whatever it takes.” I did not believe him, but he sounded strangely sincere. I printed out some information about local temp jobs that I was reasonably sure would hire him, and that he could do, because these were the jobs I got my start doing, and I knew he could do it if he wanted. He did nothing with this information, and so I took it as confirmation that he wasn’t serious and gave up right away. Now I think back to that and wonder what if I had been more aggressive in getting him to do it :’(

GettingFasterDude wrote:

The chance of you being able to help your brother are likely near zero. On the other hand, there have been cases like this, where seemingly hopeless people make what seems like a miraculous turnaround in 12-step programs like AA or NA. But for that to happen he's go to want help and admit to himself he's powerless to the overwhelming problems in his life, without it.

That’s the bottom line. Only they can decide. You can’t decide for them or trick them or convince them or reason them into it.

And that’s bulls#it to say that a person is powerless. Each person chooses for themselves. Each person has ownership of their life.

As skeptical as I would tend to be about someone like this changing, if he was able to quit for six years, and only restarted this year, there is hope for him. It has to be invested in a rehab program that contains a strong and proven rehabilitation-work-housing program.

Sign In/Register wrote:

Is there anything I can do at this point to try to help him lead a better life, or am I better off cutting all ties?

Convince your father to leave the money in a trust for your brother. If a trustee is not signing off on that money it will be gone in a year.

hmmmm...

If this is true then it sounds like he needs to find some enjoyment from life (your brother).

I'm assuming he's generally not a happy camper.

If he can find satisfaction in simple things like going for a walk outside or listening to music, then maybe take him to a grocery store and try and make the experience fun for him.

That's a work related environment and perhaps he could get a shot as a bag boy or pushing the buggies.

There's got to be something he could do that is straight forward. Also if he has any special talents, maybe he could utilize them.

It sounds like he's been quite unhappy for some time.

I don't know what else to say, I have no idea what kind of behaviour one would expect from him.

Maybe he needs to be in a drug detox facility, he may well need welfare.

Sorry to give you bad news, but I agree with what's been said so far. And, yes, this is a cut ties situation. He is too toxic and effed up to save with compassion. I know how awful that seems when it's your own family, but I assure you, nothing you could say or do or redo would change things with your brother or father. Hopefully something profound enough will happen to your brother that will cause him to rethink things and seek help, but given his age and character you've described, the prognosis is poor. You being in the picture will only drain you and cause all kinds of problems versus have any meaningful impact on him. Regarding the temp job opportunity -- you handed him a gift -- it's up to him to get clean enough to wake up in time for appointments/work, make phone calls, etc. He's obviously a long way from functioning at the level, but you can't do the job for him either. And I bet he sounded sincere -- that's what manipulative users and addicts do. If he has a social worker, maybe discuss the situation with that person and make sure he has follow up for his RP. This will wash over or get distorted by him depending, but if it makes you feel better, let your brother know if he ever gets clean and holds a steady job (or has some sort of structure to his life), you'll be there for him. Until then, you can't keep going down this road.

joed|rt wrote:

Your brother is dying, and at this point, there is not much you or anyone else can do. Sounds like his brain is irreparably damaged. Don't burden yourself with a situation he created. Resign yourself to the fact that he will likely die in the next few years. It's stories like this that make me shake my head any time someone on the boards makes a post defending or promoting recreational drug use at any level. I have seen stories like your brothers play out far too often in this lifetime. Brain chemistry is a fragile thing.

Sad but true.

My "rap sheet" isn't quite as bad, but I'm sure a family member or two has said similar things about me. So I take what you write with a grain of salt because it is only one viewpoint. I'd have to hear a couple more to have a real opinion. I'd agree with what some replies have said so far but I think what you're looking for is something you can do that makes you feel better about the situation so I'll try to offer that. I think what he needs is help from people who he can identify with more. You're not that. Anything you say or do will come off condescending and authoritative. Some people just can't deal with that. Maybe he should move to a big California city. Serious. There are a lot of people in his situation out here. A lot of them are homeless or close to it. If any positive change happens I think it's going to have to arise out of that subculture. It's not going to happen with people from the outside fixing them. Being around other people like him may speed up his demise, or it could be empowering. He could meet people like him only a lot worse. Nothing is more eye opening than encountering someone who you recognize is like you but worse. It's like seeing yourself from the outside.

If rather than being surrounded by people who are better than him and trying to fix him, he's around people who are worse or on the same level, it could be life changing for him. He might find himself being the one trying to help people.