So I skipped a good chunk of the thread but I might have a useable piece of advice.
Im 42 with two kids, one is special needs, I will likely be caring for the equivalent of a 5 year old until the day I die. But, I have a more optimistic outlook than many here.
My secret is having, and being, a great partner. We both take a few long weekends/year to travel with friends, run races, etc. We both appreciate how this is good for our long term mental health, to have fun and get those moments that make you feel like a kid again. The second part is to not fall in that rut where you think about the logistical and emotional lift it takes to get time to yourself.
Take time to maintain your own pursuits and relationships, and have the grace to give your partner the same.
OP, great question and the right time to check what you should do.
If you 'just go with the flow', do you responsibilities, work your butt off etc etc as 'expected to do', you will find that life just passes by for you. You spend little on yourself, they (your wife especially if not in same financial mindset) spend your money. You get closer to retirement age and start working out if you have enough, meanwhile kid 2 or 3 is still at home, maybe with boyfriend, until she figures out what to do, you encouraging further study at free board. Your wife loves this because she is more of a friend to your daughters than you, the grumbling old man.
Then they all bugger off because they have achieved as much as they can from you, maybe you get to keep daughters dog for company (or because they dont want to have that hassle) and you reflect back to your 20's and 30's and wonder how things 'coulda, shoulda ' been different.
But hey, now you make your own decisions, and you suddenly have money which you didn't have, you take on more responsibility at work, get rewarded with promotions ("where have you been all the time"..."oh, don't know maybe looking after the family?"), and suddenly the 'Red Sea' opens, work is good, life is good. You think "hey I want to go there" , and you just book a ticket and go, "hey I want to buy that", and you just do. What the heck, you have enough suddenly for spending up and still leaving at your designated time, with hopefully nothing in bank, maybe even a mortgage.
How good is life....stick it out buddy, whatever happens, when you regain control it will be ok
This is one of the best threads I’ve ever read on here. Really I just wanted to echo what others have said. It’s very, very hard raising a family. But it‘s also meant to be hard and ultimately the juice is more than worth the squeeze in my view - the joy of spending time with your kids is indescribable. I’m not sure there’s an elixir for doing it right. I’m lucky - we have reliable childcare so can do date nights whenever we like - but the binding constraint ends up being the overwhelming sense of tiredness we both feel as parents from trying to juggle tough work diaries, kids and a bit of exercise. If you’re not careful then your relationship can descend into a squabble about who has done more. In terms of running, I have managed to PB in almost every distance since I turned 40, which is when I had kids. I’m 46 now and although I’m still PBing (mid 15s 5k, sub 33 10k), the training seems to take almost superhuman focus. It’s not the running that hard but just the sheer willpower to squeeze in an hour’s run when all I really want to do is lay my head on a pillow and nap. It’s so hard. But it is doable. And I’m really nothing special.
Running mid-15s for 5k/sub-33s for 10k at age 46 is far more than what most will achieve. Those are great times. And while raising kids! I have no excuse not to be fast now (I have no kids) and at least try to break into the 18s again at age 39.
The nice thing about no kids is travel and sleeping in, I'll give him or her that. And having more $. But $ isn't everything.
The nice thing about having kids at an older age (I’m 36) is that I have done plenty of traveling, sleeping in, building my career, etc. Eventually it just isn’t that fulfilling personally. Plus none of those things are off the table completely now, just takes some extra planning and help.
That's a good outlook. Although most people in their 30s are still building their careers--you can still do that as you get older! Kids won't be a deterrent.
It can be hard, but if your kids are healthy and intelligent you have it easy in comparison to many others. At least that's the perspective we've taken as the parents of three. Elementary age was fun, middle school was keeping them on the right track with good friend groups and academics, high school we concentrated on developing independent skills. College is mostly just $ for us. Best thing we ever did as parents was getting them into reading from an early age and making the library a big part of their lives.
I used distance running during lunch hours (flexible work environment) as "me" time. I coached youth basketball and was a scouting parent to spend time with my kids. Now I'm 58, my youngest is wrapping up junior year of HS. I've started golfing again with friends. My wife has always worked part-time (24 hours) in health care, so she had a great schedule to support the kids, volunteer at the schools, and still brought in good income.
We will retire at 60 and should have plenty of time to be selfish and enjoy ourselves, hopefully in great health.
Retiring at 60 is a dream for me as well...how did you do it? Investing, living within your means, STEM career?
A lot of 30-40-year-olds aren't at that level. Xers have it made right now...(people in their 50s and 60s).
The nice thing about no kids is travel and sleeping in, I'll give him or her that. And having more $. But $ isn't everything.
The nice thing about having kids at an older age (I’m 36) is that I have done plenty of traveling, sleeping in, building my career, etc. Eventually it just isn’t that fulfilling personally. Plus none of those things are off the table completely now, just takes some extra planning and help.
Didn't you just have two kids like a week ago? This is like talking like a grizzled vet the first day of spring training your rookie year.
I’m 42 with 3 kids (11, 8, 6). I maintain on average 60mpw on the year which fluctuates depending on the training cycle. My wife runs probably a more than me. We have a great marriage and good jobs. I think you have to differentiate between hard and busy. You can figure out the busy. Try to stay positive and focus on what you have to get through the hard. Keep going.
Wow I have cried practically every day for the past 2-3 years over my lack of children and this thread might be the first thing that has ever made me feel better - thanks!
A couple questions for the crowd: 1) Those of you that are constantly stressed and exhausted - do your wives work full time too? Does having a stay-at-home wife help? 2) How many people in this thread are women? Women say all the time "I'm tired but I did't know what happiness was until I had kids" which is like a punch to the gut honestly. Are there women out there who think they might have been better off without kids, or is that just a man thing?
I don't get why everyone is so down in this thread. I'm 41yo dad of three (11/9/6) and have had a blast. Yes life can be tiring but life can always be tiring regardless of age or kids or no kids. The thing is you're never a victim in this, this is your life, you only get one shot at it so if you're not happy think about what you can change or control.
Running wise I found after second child arrived I needed to be more planned and accept that running meant getting up early, getting it done and back home to then take the kids out and give wife some alone time - but also spend some time strengthening my relationship with kids. In marathon training it's also a good excuse to do the long run on the weekend, then take the kids to a cinema so they can see a movie and you can sit with your legs up for 2 hours while your wife also gets a break.
Kids absolutely can and do add stress, but the motto my wife and I live by is that you can have it all, just not all at once. Hope that gives some balance to the discussion.
Don't you parents realize this sort of stuff isn't necessary.
They can go play with their friends and socialize. Amwrica has this weird thing where every activity has to be some sort of organized group, and we've virtually eliminated spaces where kids can just free flow enjoy each other's time. Kind of at all ages but especially middle school and up.
My mom to her credit during the summer put us in camps and all sorts of stuff but other times shed lock the door and say go play and come back for dinner. It was a good idea. Builds independence
I was in a similar boat in my mid/late 30s, kids are 3 years apart, first one born when both my wife and I were 34. Tried to keep training the same volume/intensity, but my performance in races dropped off dramatically year to year. Sure it was age, but for me the hardest part was the loss of sleep at night. In my mid-40s, I was able to plateau the year-to-year slowing down and then start to get a year-to-year incremental improvement in a few races a year. Not all of them, but some. Nowhere near where I was when I was early 30s obviously, but really enjoying running now that I'm 50.
I found 2 key points to not letting the energy vacuum of kids drag you down too much:
1) Never allow them to sleep in your bed unless they're sick. NEVER! They'll try and try, but as soon as you allow it, you won't get rid of them.
2) Cut the good-night ritual to a clear limit and then stick to it. In the beginning it would go on and on until I got fed up with coming out so exhausted that I made a limit, like 3 songs or 1 story or something like that. We got it down to like 15 minutes, changing who does it each night. Helped sooooo much. They complained at first, but after a few times, gave up. In the end, it made it more enjoyable for everyone.
36 yr old father of 3 (6,4,1) with a stay at home wife. It is very easy to get overwhelmed by the physical and mental exhaustion of supporting a family of 5. The weight of it can certainly get you down during moments of weakness.
With that being said, the last 6 years have been the happiest time of my life. I always struggled with purpose and direction in life before having my family. They have made me a better man in every way and I am thankful for that. Although I am thankful for the structure and purpose, I make sure to have moments to myself everyday to remember the joy of youth. I wake up before my family everyday to run. The key is to get it done immediately so nothing else can get in the way. I’ve been able to still run 60-80 miles a week and be able to perform as well as I did when I was 25 despite the fatigue. I’m in roughly 15:20, sub 32 shape at the moment.
If I were to give up on my physical and personal goals things would get dark real quick. You can have it all, you just need to be focused and fight for it! Getting your personal needs out of the way first thing allows you to enjoy your family the rest of the day. Everyone wins.
Wow I have cried practically every day for the past 2-3 years over my lack of children and this thread might be the first thing that has ever made me feel better - thanks!
A couple questions for the crowd: 1) Those of you that are constantly stressed and exhausted - do your wives work full time too? Does having a stay-at-home wife help? 2) How many people in this thread are women? Women say all the time "I'm tired but I did't know what happiness was until I had kids" which is like a punch to the gut honestly. Are there women out there who think they might have been better off without kids, or is that just a man thing?
1) Yes. Having a spouse stay home instead of work definitely makes things easier. My wife did this for one year and it was the happiest I have ever been. She chose to go back to work and that is when the stress returned, for both of us. We are trying to figure out how to go back down to one income. Most of the males who have kids and low stress have stay at home spouses or work from home.