NRR: Gettting married in two weeks. Need help with something

thanks for clarifying. you're not as extreme as some of the other posters (who i honestly hope are trolls, and they likely are), who are suggesting that the only thing one has in a relationship with a woman is a sexual relationship. i dated my ex girlfriends because i like(d) them as human beings. that didn't stop the second we broke up. i still like them as human beings and i'm interested in their lives. most (maybe all) of my more serious ex girlfriends are married now, many have kids. there is not even the tiniest bit of romantic interest in either direction.

dinner is just a meal. busy people get together when and where they can.

and like someone said earlier, both my partner and her partner are always implicitly or explicitly invited. they usually would have no interest in sitting there and listening to old high school or college or law school stories which they were not a part of. (and i would tend to leave my partner alone when she wants to catch up with her old college or law school friends).

this whole discussion honestly leaves me completely baffled. i think we're just imagining very different hypothetical evenings - frequency, tone, body language, personal history, etc.

where's the OP ? Probably got kicked out of his own house after discussing further with his "fiance". here's how I see it:

he seems to be the insecure type. He needs to take charge in the relationship (hand if you will). Not by demanding/wanting/needing - but by establishing boundaries... he seems more worried about losing her than the other way around.

I agree that he shouldn't have called the other guy. However the only "dude code" is to not go after a friends girlfriend/wife (that's how the term "milf" became so common) - all other girls are free game.

It was wrong of her to go on a DATE with another guy ahead of the wedding. She is likely having regrets of missing out on times past, and wanting to "sew some wild oats" before settling in. Did she do him ? - tough call...

I tend to agree this marriage will not last in the long run (and we are about endurance on Letsrun) - OP is too insecure / GF is too bent on doing what the F she wants -- marriage is about mutual compromise, and some self esteem / backbone... otherwise bend over

Seriously OP - have a backbone and make a stand. Better now than later.

OH - and get a coupe of unbiased female letsrunners opinions

OK guys, thanks again. I didn't expect so many answers.

Very busy at work, but here's a quick update before another meeting:

We had a long talk yesterday, and she said:

1) This has nothing to do with anyone else. It's between us.

2) This was my fault. Will try to do better in the future.

After the talk we had make up sex. Was I weak? Probably.

We're going out tonight for dinner and hopefully we can put this behind us.

If I had to do this again, I wouldn't call the douchebag and let my fiance know that I read her email. However I'm certain he's interested in her. She's attractive with a great body and smile. No way he just wants to catch up with her.

I am a little worried about her casual attitude with ex-boyfriends but I intend on communicating -calmly- my concerns to her if others situations like this arise. To answer some of you comments, sorry but I don't have what it takes to cancel the wedding. I spent a lot of money for invitations, rings, security deposit, hotel arrangements, etc. We have almost 200 guests. It's just too big for me to cancel, financially and in regards to family, friends and colleagues.

Prenup!

great - sounds as if u stood firm and she realized that it wasn't 100% appropriate to put you in that position. I'd say that's a good start - and make up sex is always good !...

Now - remember - you always need to have a modicum of hand in the relationship - at least at important point.

good luck and let us know how the nuptials go...

Thanks for the update OP, I was beginning to think we all got trolled.

Are you saying that she told you it was your fault for the reason why she went out with and acted the way she did?

Agreed 100% I'm glad you realized and would re do it a next time.

Think of it like this. She is with you, for a reason. She is getting married to YOU for a reason. She is in love with you. You can not control what other guys do and think of her. If you continue to worry like that it is going to continue eating at you and it could get to a point where this may happen again. When it comes to other guys, have this mindset of 'yeah this girl is with me guys and not you. So go on and flirt with her if you must, but just remember who's going to be f*cking her tonight'.

I have to say though you handled this the right way. You didn't let your emotions overtake and make a hasty decision that could have ended with a consequence that was much worse. GOOD FOR YOU OP! It seems like the storm is passed and you are going to be on your way to a successful marriage. WOOO HOOO! I love success stories.

Good Luck Bro

TOTALLY AGREE!

Right ON!

Flagpole, WHY is it so hard for some people to get this basic, mature, ethical logic???

I am as liberal as it gets socially (fiscal conservative), ethics, however are ETHICS.

You are either ETHICAL or you are not. There is no such thing as "really ethical," again you are either ethical or you are not.

And this woman is not ethical. She is clearly emotionally immature, and unreliable/unsafe.

This would be the worst kind of woman to marry, short of a meth whore...

Thanks, man!She said it was her fault and she apologized for meeting this guy for dinner. I don't know if she was a little bit naive or if she wanted to make me jealous. I think it's a little bit of both. I also apologized for reading her email and calling the guy (even if it felt good at the time). So we agreed that we both made mistakes.Also to answer another question we've been dating for seven years and engaged for a year and a half.

stuck with match.com wrote:

mad and in need of advice wrote:

We had a long talk yesterday, and she said:

1) This has nothing to do with anyone else. It's between us.

2) This was my fault. Will try to do better in the future.

Are you saying that she told you it was your fault for the reason why she went out with and acted the way she did?

She can say sorry all she wants now but you need to know if it is for real. It happened once and the only test is the next time. To not delay the wedding or cancel it because of your reasons are a joke. The problem will only be compounded if it happens again.

What would she do in the same situation? In a similar situation?

Hopefully, she has good friends and family will tell her that she was wrong regardless of what her intentions were. Too bad they will probbaly just say she was in the right as they were old friends blah blah.

Good luck

The One Who Knows wrote:

GRR: "Women often do the stuff they do without knowing why they are doing it.

Men, usually know why. "

___________________________

Are you retarded? Or just kidding?

Clearly I am not retarded, and that is kind of an insult tho those who are truly mentally challenged, or have Asperger's syndrome and the like...

You did not ask your question in good faith, but I will answer it anyway.

Here is how I formed my observation:

1. "Women often do the stuff they do without knowing why they are doing it."

You probably are female in challenging this statement.

Here is how I KNOW that factor to be true. WOMEN HAVE TOLD ME.

Example One: Female #1 "One of my problems is that I don't always know what I want. Sometimes I say 'yes,' and don't know until later that I really wanted to say 'no." Equals "I don't know what I am doing in the moment."

Example Two: Females #2 and #3 "When I think of the crazy stuff I put men through when I was younger, no wonder men think women are crazy, I was, I was reacting and acting without thinking and not realizing what I was doing until way after the fact. I didn't know why I was doing things. I didn't think things through. I was reacting on hormones, emotion, etc."

Men find it hard to understand that women often act on emotion and reaction, with out stopping to consider or THINK THEIR ACTIONS ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

I did not believe this until in short succession, not one, not two, but three women told me this and beat it into my brain.

2. As to men always knowing why they are doing something. In THIS scenario the dude is flirting and making a move on a woman. You think he magically doesn't know that he is trying to get into her panties?

Puhleeze.

Seems like you two are the 'tards.

I am not telling you what you should or should not do. But this:

"To answer some of you comments, sorry but I don't have what it takes to cancel the wedding. I spent a lot of money for invitations, rings, security deposit, hotel arrangements, etc. We have almost 200 guests. It's just too big for me to cancel, financially and in regards to family, friends and colleagues."

...is truly mind boggling.

I see, so the financial and interpersonal costs associated with canceling (or postponing) the wedding outweigh the cost of spending the rest of your life in misery in a marriage that sucks?!?

Wow! You will truly get what you deserve if this is how you make the big decisions in your life.

mad and in need of advice wrote:

Flagpole, thanks, but that's tough. I hear you, but I love her. I don't know what happened last night. A bad judgment call on her part, that's what I think.

Listen to yourself. Ever watch "Cops" and hear the women who just got the crap beaten out of them? What do they say? "I love him." You are that woman bro. Love makes people do irrational things, and moving forward with this wedding is one of them. You get no sympathy from me if you are miserable in 3 years.

YOUR FIANCE IS SENDING YOU A CLEAR MESSAGE.

CAN YOU READ IT?

"I COULD NOT CONVINCE OR TRUST YOU TO PICK UP ON MY HINTS OH MUST YOU LEAVE YOUR FINGERPRINTS ON EVERYTHING I CALL MINE." Some Aimee Mann lyrics. Don't know if they really fit here but I thought of them while reading your problem.

Maybe they are teaming up together to give you a really big surprise. Like a gift. Or that you can marry the both of them. Or ......well ran out of time. Gotta go.

You and I are in complete agreement.

what goes around comes around wrote:

kaitainen wrote:

her, and if you can't see that then you're just wrong.

just want to point out that it was not only ill-advised behavior, it justifies the fiancee being upset with him when she got home (for those people who think she should have calmly explained things and comforted the OP)

She was justified being upset, in order to defend and protect the guy who was bonking her??? No.

the guy in this story did kiss the girl once in high school and they were clearly friends at one point in their lives

Oh, so they were friends cause they kissed. Well then they must really be great friends now that they're bonking. Seriously, kissing and bonking are not what define a good friendship.

Imagine the deep spiritual nature of their friendship if he is bonking her in the back door...

"...ethics, however are ETHICS.

You are either ETHICAL or you are not. There is no such thing as "really ethical," again you are either ethical or you are not."

What does this ^ mean?