In love with a (unhappily) married woman who is also in love with me... Would like some input.

Im not sure you get it Rojo wrote:

Perhaps you’ve been lucky enough to never need therapy, or perhaps you’ve never had a good therapist. Advice is very, very different from treatment. I think we all can agree that loads of people can give advice, case in point here, but the OP will likely do whatever he came here seeking validation for, which is to continue the relationship. However, for him to change his perspective requires him to want to change himself. Therapists are a mirror; their role isn’t to provide advice, their role is to help one see oneself more clearly and support the change from within.

Having gone through an incredible transformation in my late 30s, and similarly ivy-league educated, I think your view of therapy is either extremely privileged or cynical and you may wish to consider it a bit more deeply than you have to date. If nothing else, I’d suggest you at least respect the medium as it can, and does, work. Thanks.

Walter H wrote:

I've tried writing this thread multiple times now but always end up making it too long and detailed. Long story short, I'm in love with a married woman, and she's in love with me. We didn't intend for it to happen, neither of us were seeking something like this... There's just an extremely intense connection, the strongest of both of our lives, and it was there almost literally from the first hello. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, and our relationship just gets deeper and deeper the more we talk and the more time we spend together... We're best friends, and honestly, at this point, I'm having a tough time envisioning my life without her.

But of course, she's married. To make matters worse, there are kids. Talking to her, it sounds like she has been unhappy for a long time, the marriage has been all but dead for a long time (years), but she has bent over backwards trying to make it work. Her husband does not treat her right at all... It's blatant. I'm not saying he's all bad, but it's definitely outside what is reasonable. She has also said her parents have never liked him, and even his relationship with his own parents is a bit strained.

Neither of us know what to do. Clearly this arrangement isn't sustainable long term, and frankly, it sucks. Her husband is a workaholic and travels a lot for work, so it's unlikely he'd ever find out, but we still only get to see each other a couple times per week and never get to do normal couple things. Plus there's the stress and the guilt from the circumstances. We both want to be together, we're both genuinely good for one another and help each other, she's unhappy in a (pretty much) dead marriage, but neither she nor I feel comfortable moving forward with the big D word largely because of the kids, and at the same time, she's made it clear that she doesn't think there's any possibility for the marriage to improve... It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...

Has anyone been through something like this? Anyone have any (thoughtful) advice? What about the kids and the effects of a divorce? I've heard some people say divorce can ultimately be a good thing for the kids if the parents are genuinely unhappy together, but I think that really depends on the marriage... Thoughts?

Walter H wrote:

I've tried writing this thread multiple times now but always end up making it too long and detailed. Long story short, I'm in love with a married woman, and she's in love with me. We didn't intend for it to happen, neither of us were seeking something like this... There's just an extremely intense connection, the strongest of both of our lives, and it was there almost literally from the first hello. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, and our relationship just gets deeper and deeper the more we talk and the more time we spend together... We're best friends, and honestly, at this point, I'm having a tough time envisioning my life without her.

But of course, she's married. To make matters worse, there are kids. Talking to her, it sounds like she has been unhappy for a long time, the marriage has been all but dead for a long time (years), but she has bent over backwards trying to make it work. Her husband does not treat her right at all... It's blatant. I'm not saying he's all bad, but it's definitely outside what is reasonable. She has also said her parents have never liked him, and even his relationship with his own parents is a bit strained.

Neither of us know what to do. Clearly this arrangement isn't sustainable long term, and frankly, it sucks. Her husband is a workaholic and travels a lot for work, so it's unlikely he'd ever find out, but we still only get to see each other a couple times per week and never get to do normal couple things. Plus there's the stress and the guilt from the circumstances. We both want to be together, we're both genuinely good for one another and help each other, she's unhappy in a (pretty much) dead marriage, but neither she nor I feel comfortable moving forward with the big D word largely because of the kids, and at the same time, she's made it clear that she doesn't think there's any possibility for the marriage to improve... It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...

Has anyone been through something like this? Anyone have any (thoughtful) advice? What about the kids and the effects of a divorce? I've heard some people say divorce can ultimately be a good thing for the kids if the parents are genuinely unhappy together, but I think that really depends on the marriage... Thoughts?

Emotional Health wrote:

There's been a lot of good advice on this thread - I disagree with the ones calling him a POS, that's just meanness and immaturity on the part of those who post that - he's made a mistake, but he can be a man about it now since he skipped being a gentleman about it before.

He needs to tell her that he's stepping away from the situation until she is a single woman.

The benefit of that will be that she will let him know whether she is unhappy enough to get single and if while he is out of the entanglement she takes the right mature and healthy steps to responsibly get out of her marriage I will ultimately be better for her and him if she decides for herself and then gets out of the relationship with that is her choice and then they can meet and reconvene and see if they still feel the same way about each other.

And while he's waiting he can focus on this running and fitness. And maybe read a few books on how to have a happy marriage they actually doesn't feel like he's totally wasting his time waiting for her if she doesn't move in his direction.

rojo wrote:

Emotional Health wrote:

There's been a lot of good advice on this thread - I disagree with the ones calling him a POS, that's just meanness and immaturity on the part of those who post that - he's made a mistake, but he can be a man about it now since he skipped being a gentleman about it before.

He needs to tell her that he's stepping away from the situation until she is a single woman.

The benefit of that will be that she will let him know whether she is unhappy enough to get single and if while he is out of the entanglement she takes the right mature and healthy steps to responsibly get out of her marriage I will ultimately be better for her and him if she decides for herself and then gets out of the relationship with that is her choice and then they can meet and reconvene and see if they still feel the same way about each other.

And while he's waiting he can focus on this running and fitness. And maybe read a few books on how to have a happy marriage they actually doesn't feel like he's totally wasting his time waiting for her if she doesn't move in his direction.

Perfect. This should be the end of the thread. Don't call him names. Give him the perfect advice. And move on.

rojo wrote:

Emotional Health wrote:

There's been a lot of good advice on this thread - I disagree with the ones calling him a POS, that's just meanness and immaturity on the part of those who post that - he's made a mistake, but he can be a man about it now since he skipped being a gentleman about it before.

He needs to tell her that he's stepping away from the situation until she is a single woman.

The benefit of that will be that she will let him know whether she is unhappy enough to get single and if while he is out of the entanglement she takes the right mature and healthy steps to responsibly get out of her marriage I will ultimately be better for her and him if she decides for herself and then gets out of the relationship with that is her choice and then they can meet and reconvene and see if they still feel the same way about each other.

And while he's waiting he can focus on this running and fitness. And maybe read a few books on how to have a happy marriage they actually doesn't feel like he's totally wasting his time waiting for her if she doesn't move in his direction.

Perfect. This should be the end of the thread. Don't call him names. Give him the perfect advice. And move on.