NRR: Gettting married in two weeks. Need help with something

GRR: "Women often do the stuff they do without knowing why they are doing it.

Men, usually know why. "

___________________________

Are you retarded? Or just kidding?

The One Who Knows wrote:

GRR: "Women often do the stuff they do without knowing why they are doing it.

Men, usually know why. "

___________________________

Are you retarded? Or just kidding?

He's retarded.

I decided not to read the whole thing but i think i have a general feel for the issue. I'd say the whole meeting someone for dinner thing was shady man. I personally believe men and women can be friends without having overwhelming sexual feelings. THat said, these two were not friends. They were not close and truly had no business doing anything together unless both were with their significant others. Personally I think the b@tch was cheating however even if she wasn't she was in the wrong. There is a huge difference between seeing a close friend of the opposite who you have never had a romantic interaction with and meeting up with someone you use to date and havent talked to in years.

a) we agree, just want to point out that it was not only ill-advised behavior, it justifies the fiancee being upset with him when she got home (for those people who think she should have calmly explained things and comforted the OP);

b) agree that it seems a little different and i said so in my quoted post (although at the same time, the guy in this story did kiss the girl once in high school and they were clearly friends at one point in their lives; it's not as if she met him at a bar on a business trip or something);

c) i don't know what you think takes place at a "private dinner" that is so out of bounds. when one lives in a city and all involved work professional jobs, meeting for post work drinks and dinner is a completely normal thing to do. or if someone is in town visiting, and the resident of that city is working all day, again, dinner is a natural time to meet and catch up. it's a very possessive view of marriage that you have, and i'm surprised also because it treats marriage as very fragile and breakable at the slightest provocation.

we really need an update....well...???

calm the fuke down wrote:

Visited the guy's house? Please. That's dumber than calling. There's no need to escalate things and make a whole bunch of drama. That's how people get into fights and get shot. Just dump and move on with life. Why should he care if this guy is cheating on his wife? People need to mind their own business, not get involved in other peoples' (especially strangers') marriages.

I disagree.

I would not have called the guy, but I see no reason to not be best friends with his wife, and take her to dinner etc, after calling off the wedding of course.

FP,

Agree with most of what you said except for one thing. Even as a married man (15 years, happily), I frequently dine with female friends. However, it is always implied that my wife is welcome to join us if she chooses. She rarely does, but she knows that there is nothing to hide.

kaitainen wrote:

her, and if you can't see that then you're just wrong.

just want to point out that it was not only ill-advised behavior, it justifies the fiancee being upset with him when she got home (for those people who think she should have calmly explained things and comforted the OP)

She was justified being upset, in order to defend and protect the guy who was bonking her??? No.

the guy in this story did kiss the girl once in high school and they were clearly friends at one point in their lives

Oh, so they were friends cause they kissed. Well then they must really be great friends now that they're bonking. Seriously, kissing and bonking are not what define a good friendship.

what goes around comes around wrote:

kaitainen wrote:

her, and if you can't see that then you're just wrong.

just want to point out that it was not only ill-advised behavior, it justifies the fiancee being upset with him when she got home (for those people who think she should have calmly explained things and comforted the OP)

She was justified being upset, in order to defend and protect the guy who was bonking her??? No.

the guy in this story did kiss the girl once in high school and they were clearly friends at one point in their lives

Oh, so they were friends cause they kissed. Well then they must really be great friends now that they're bonking. Seriously, kissing and bonking are not what define a good friendship.

she was justified in being pissed at the OP - he read her email (which was apparent because he got the guy's phone number from the email), he called to check up on her (and was presumably clearly upset when he called her), and he called and cussed out this guy. if he had done none of that, then she would not have been upset with him when she got home. so yes, she was justified. he acted like a crazy person.

"I asked her what was going on, and she said that they kissed once in high school, but nothing more, and that they were friends."

yes, they were friends.

Wendell Gee wrote:

FP,

Agree with most of what you said except for one thing. Even as a married man (15 years, happily), I frequently dine with female friends. However, it is always implied that my wife is welcome to join us if she chooses. She rarely does, but she knows that there is nothing to hide.

You are describing a situation that is VERY different from what the OP described. This guy was NOT really a friend. He was a former high school classmate whom she kissed once. They hadn't really kept in touch. That is NOT a friend. That's a dude who wants to bang this woman before she gets married, and probably after if she'd let him. If I considered all the girls I kissed while in high school as friends, then DAMN I'd have a lot of friends.

Flagpole wrote:

Wendell Gee wrote:

FP,

Agree with most of what you said except for one thing. Even as a married man (15 years, happily), I frequently dine with female friends. However, it is always implied that my wife is welcome to join us if she chooses. She rarely does, but she knows that there is nothing to hide.

You are describing a situation that is VERY different from what the OP described. This guy was NOT really a friend. He was a former high school classmate whom she kissed once. They hadn't really kept in touch. That is NOT a friend. That's a dude who wants to bang this woman before she gets married, and probably after if she'd let him. If I considered all the girls I kissed while in high school as friends, then DAMN I'd have a lot of friends.

so just to clarify - a married person having solo dinner with an opposite sex friend is ok; a married person having solo dinner with an opposite sex ex is not ok? what's the theory there? that the people you're closest to in your life have to be jettisoned once you get married? that there is no danger of your spouse choosing to sleep with someone new post-marriage, but a real risk of her sleeping with an ex?

obviously i don't get the difference. (maybe it's that you're assuming that exes don't remain friends, so any dinner would be out of the blue and about reminiscing rather than about being current friends?)

from the look of it the 'friend' may be expweriencing post-nuptial shut-off back home so he's looking to get his dick wet.

kaitainen wrote:

she was justified in being pissed at the OP - he read her email (which was apparent because he got the guy's phone number from the email), he called to check up on her (and was presumably clearly upset when he called her), and he called and cussed out this guy. if he had done none of that, then she would not have been upset with him when she got home. so yes, she was justified. he acted like a crazy person.

You sound like a drama queen.

"I asked her what was going on, and she said that they kissed once in high school, but nothing more, and that they were friends."

yes, they were friends.

Heh, kissing is not what defines friendship.

You have a very low standard for a friendship.

Kaitainen,

It is clear from your posts here and elsewhere that you are an adult. The same cannot be said for the Lad with whom you are debating.

It is my studied opinion that such debates are a usually a waste of time for the adult involved. But, of course, it is your time to waste should you so choose.

All the best.

(and I hope to hear more from adults such as yourself on these boards)

I agree Kaitainen. Look OP I support you 100% on this but is it possible that when you called her you called with a tone that was angry, maybe possessive or jealous. If that is the case then yes she would hang up like that. If you did its no big deal.

Hey guys telling him to break up with this girl. Its cool that you are trying to look out for a running bro, because thats what bro's do. But I think in the best interest of the OP that he not make a drastic decision. I am also curious to hear what the girls side of the story would be. If you guys had heard the girls side of the story, how would you have reacted. I'm sure it would be a lot different. The point is so many guys on here are quick to misjudge women and to degrade them. Mostly because they are single and lonely and look at girls as being the enemy. Or the one sort of relationship they had, ended in a disaster and they are still hopelessly in love with an old girl. As a result you guys have negative outlook on girls and thus your judgement is distorted. I ask of you in the future that you put your troubled history with girls behind you when you give strangers advice. You don't know whose life you could be impacting.

kaitainen wrote:

so just to clarify - a married person having solo dinner with an opposite sex friend is ok; a married person having solo dinner with an opposite sex ex is not ok? what's the theory there? that the people you're closest to in your life have to be jettisoned once you get married? that there is no danger of your spouse choosing to sleep with someone new post-marriage, but a real risk of her sleeping with an ex?

obviously i don't get the difference. (maybe it's that you're assuming that exes don't remain friends, so any dinner would be out of the blue and about reminiscing rather than about being current friends?)

You are confusing kissing and/or sex with friendship.

They are entirely different and have nothing to do with each other.

They may or many not go together but that is rare. Usually they are quite far from each other. If the OP's gf and that guy were really friends, in addition to kissing and bonking, then the OP needs to get away from her fast, even faster than has been recommended on this thread.

Another post, another child....sigh...

1) Yep. We agree on that point.

2) Yes, it is a little different, and as I said, depending on the circumstances it can be dicey to do that. I disagree that they were clearly friends at one point in their lives though. They kissed once in high school. Do you consider yourself as having been friends with every girl you kissed in high school? I sure don't. That fact is what makes this even worse actually. Again, look at the circumstances...the guy is married, he knows that she's about to get married, he takes a 45-minute train ride to have drinks with her that then turns into dinner that lasts until 11 p.m., and he then still has a 45-minute train ride home. Then she is secretive about where they are and hangs up on her fiance. THAT seems on the up and up to you? It's not brother.

3) So, you meet up with former girlfriends who are married for dinner after work? Just you and one former girlfriend at a time? Are you married? Yeah, I'd call that odd, whether you live and work in a city or not. I've lived and worked in big cities (Detroit, San Francisco, Washington DC), and I wouldn't have met former girlfriends for dinner and drinks after work; location makes no difference. What the hell for? Gay men are friends with married women. If that's your deal, then ok. Otherwise, nope. And, no, it's not a fragile view of marriage that I have, because my wife would never do such a thing...to what end? Why would a married person want to carry on a relationship with a former boyfriend or girlfriend? The ONLY reason to do so is to keep open the possibility of something happening either while still married or if the marriage ends. Insecure married people do that. You break up with someone, then that should be it, ESPECIALLY if one of you then gets married. Move on already dude. Go find a woman of your own (if you're not married) and quit having dinner with married women.

Dont waste your time wrote:

Another post, another child....sigh...

Perhaps I'm a child. That could be true, as I'm wholesome and smart, not suaded by kissing or sex. I know what they are and I know what friendship is. They are not one and the same.

Kissing is not friendship. Sex is not friendship. You can pat yourself on your back, post to yourself all you want, think you're an adult, whatever. It does not change anything.