Congrats on the progress! I wish the best for you all.
I'm coming from a bit of a different place. I got married decades ago to a tee-totaler who has never had a drink. I do love her and admire her in many respects. When we got married, it wasn't like I was a "drinker". We were young when we met. I was pretty into running well (and figured drinking wouldn't really help), and I was into her. I never quite saw drinking with the same disdain as she did, but it was easy to join her in the non-drinker status. So, she felt we were on the same page.
I mistakenly thought she would loosen up a little bit on it as we got older, but again, it wasn't that big a deal.
Like all marriages (or at least most), there are a couple of dynamics in our relationship that we don't particularly enjoy. I feel like I lack the autonomy that I feel that I need. She feels a great need for safety that I feel paralyzes (or suffocates) me.
About 8 years ago, I started going out on Thursdays with "the guys". It was a concession on her part to let me have an evening where I could have a drink. I think she tried to be reasonable, but it is also virtually impossible for her not to show her dislike. Anyway, both pre-covid and covid were difficult times in a number of respects, and I began to enjoy the buzz a bit.
I didn't want to upset the peace and also I respected her household rulz, but I felt like I wanted (nearly needed - and still do) a little more than just the Thursday beer. So, I started secretly drinking a couple of days a week outside of Thursdays. I don't know that I have a "problem" per se... I can pretty easily go days without, but I definitely like the drink.
As one would expect, I eventually got caught... a couple of times, actually. She is not happy because of the secrecy / lies and, of course, the additional drinking. I feel like I am in a tough spot because I do think that perhaps I should consider cutting down on the drinking, and I want to feel better about things in general and try to get a little healthier. I also don't want to be someone she can't trust. At the same time, I want to be able to relate better with her, but I think her usual (overbearing) approach is really starting to get to me. I don't feel like I can just back down. I don't think it is all about the alcohol... but I have learned to like the temporary feeling it provides.
We are seeing a marriage counselor who seems to be suggesting that we try to make a "grand compromise" on this, but I just don't see one. I suggested that I promised to not develop a problem if she could promise to leave me alone, but no dice (lol).
ANYWAY, if you have any ideas on what compromise would be reasonable to help her to feel "safe" and allow me to have some "autonomy", that would be great. If not, you can certainly take pleasure in knowing that if you are kicking a bad habit on your own accord, then you're doing better than me.
This is a very common dilemma, and, fwiw, I want to spell something out that you may be missing: your wife does not trust you. You, in turn, resent her for the way she treats you post-discovery....as you should. She is your life partner and should be there to help you through difficult times. She made a compromise, likely with feelings of strong resentment already attached, and now alcohol is in the mix, when it likely isn't even the problem.
As far as compromise...you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give up alcohol for the sake of your marriage. If you do not, you could end up divorced...or worse, in a loveless marriage.
Ask your wife if she can help provide incentive for you to quit. Look at your marriage and see what you value most. Be honest and direct with your request. Remember that you are *her* life parter, too.
This post was edited 18 seconds after it was posted.
10 weeks free of cocaine. Not many people I can share this with since many people in my life don’t know I did it to begin with, or were people I did it with. No desire to ever do it again, and I’m sure there will be some challenges but I love where I am at right now.
Good man 617. I feel like this thread provides that ability to share with people you don't know but similar interests/mindset/sport of choice. My drinking was WAY worse than anyone knew including my immediate family but having this daily check in is great. My whole family knows I am off it and they've been supportive but it's great to have the outlet (and the running helps too).
Think about what happened. Particularly where you were and how you caved. Then write a different script and follow it.
I know someone who used to be an alcoholic. Every time she got the urge to drink, she would hop in the shower. She's sober for more than two years and recently told me that she's in a position where now she gets to help people who think they can't stop. That's future you.
Think about what happened. Particularly where you were and how you caved. Then write a different script and follow it.
I know someone who used to be an alcoholic. Every time she got the urge to drink, she would hop in the shower. She's sober for more than two years and recently told me that she's in a position where now she gets to help people who think they can't stop. That's future you.
Great story, but a small point: She's still an alcoholic. She just doesn't drink.
Think about what happened. Particularly where you were and how you caved. Then write a different script and follow it.
I know someone who used to be an alcoholic. Every time she got the urge to drink, she would hop in the shower. She's sober for more than two years and recently told me that she's in a position where now she gets to help people who think they can't stop. That's future you.
Congrats on the progress! I wish the best for you all.
I'm coming from a bit of a different place. I got married decades ago to a tee-totaler who has never had a drink. I do love her and admire her in many respects. When we got married, it wasn't like I was a "drinker". We were young when we met. I was pretty into running well (and figured drinking wouldn't really help), and I was into her. I never quite saw drinking with the same disdain as she did, but it was easy to join her in the non-drinker status. So, she felt we were on the same page.
I mistakenly thought she would loosen up a little bit on it as we got older, but again, it wasn't that big a deal.
Like all marriages (or at least most), there are a couple of dynamics in our relationship that we don't particularly enjoy. I feel like I lack the autonomy that I feel that I need. She feels a great need for safety that I feel paralyzes (or suffocates) me.
About 8 years ago, I started going out on Thursdays with "the guys". It was a concession on her part to let me have an evening where I could have a drink. I think she tried to be reasonable, but it is also virtually impossible for her not to show her dislike. Anyway, both pre-covid and covid were difficult times in a number of respects, and I began to enjoy the buzz a bit.
I didn't want to upset the peace and also I respected her household rulz, but I felt like I wanted (nearly needed - and still do) a little more than just the Thursday beer. So, I started secretly drinking a couple of days a week outside of Thursdays. I don't know that I have a "problem" per se... I can pretty easily go days without, but I definitely like the drink.
As one would expect, I eventually got caught... a couple of times, actually. She is not happy because of the secrecy / lies and, of course, the additional drinking. I feel like I am in a tough spot because I do think that perhaps I should consider cutting down on the drinking, and I want to feel better about things in general and try to get a little healthier. I also don't want to be someone she can't trust. At the same time, I want to be able to relate better with her, but I think her usual (overbearing) approach is really starting to get to me. I don't feel like I can just back down. I don't think it is all about the alcohol... but I have learned to like the temporary feeling it provides.
We are seeing a marriage counselor who seems to be suggesting that we try to make a "grand compromise" on this, but I just don't see one. I suggested that I promised to not develop a problem if she could promise to leave me alone, but no dice (lol).
ANYWAY, if you have any ideas on what compromise would be reasonable to help her to feel "safe" and allow me to have some "autonomy", that would be great. If not, you can certainly take pleasure in knowing that if you are kicking a bad habit on your own accord, then you're doing better than me.
This is a very common dilemma, and, fwiw, I want to spell something out that you may be missing: your wife does not trust you. You, in turn, resent her for the way she treats you post-discovery....as you should. She is your life partner and should be there to help you through difficult times. She made a compromise, likely with feelings of strong resentment already attached, and now alcohol is in the mix, when it likely isn't even the problem.
As far as compromise...you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give up alcohol for the sake of your marriage. If you do not, you could end up divorced...or worse, in a loveless marriage.
Ask your wife if she can help provide incentive for you to quit. Look at your marriage and see what you value most. Be honest and direct with your request. Remember that you are *her* life parter, too.
I don't know. Probably not the appropriate place to say this, but it doesn't sound like he needs to give up anything. She's not being reasonable. From his description, he's not a problem drinker and isn't asking for anything that's unreasonable. Unless he's coming home wasted on Thursday and drinking more than one or two the other nights.
I would try to get to the bottom of why your wife hates alcohol so much. Maybe there's an underlying issue/trauma that you aren't aware of, and knowing this would make you want to quit/cut back on your own. IMO - The problem here is her trying to force you. You're a grown man who needs permission from his wife to drink a beer. That's not healthy. Does she also try to control other things? ie- you run too much!
Think about what happened. Particularly where you were and how you caved. Then write a different script and follow it.
I know someone who used to be an alcoholic. Every time she got the urge to drink, she would hop in the shower. She's sober for more than two years and recently told me that she's in a position where now she gets to help people who think they can't stop. That's future you.
Appreciate this
will integrate
Made it through the July 3rd night.
If I can keep going this will be my first 4th weekend sober since 2016.
4
0
Nice work all - seeking advice from those who been ther
three days in this time, every day I notice and cheer for your new number. I think that's really awesome.
Thank you, missBS, JustMe22, and hank jr, for your excellent replies to my dilemma at home. They were all very understanding of the situation, insightful, and very constructive for me to consider. Thanks again.
As an update, nothing has really changed. We are both pretty understanding that we're not in agreement, yet we've been pretty good to each other nonetheless. At this point, after having been married for almost 30 years, we're not going to get divorced over this. I would stop before that, but yeah, I would resent it if she couldn't budge at all.
Yes, you're right, JustMe22, she does not trust me, and that is disappointing. I had been thinking on my own that maybe cutting back a little wouldn't be a bad idea. But, then my response (to her coming down so hard on it) was to want to continue. However, I can tell that besides wanting to rebel against her inflexible stance, I also have wanted it for it's own sake - for the alcohol and the buzz (more that and less hanging out with the guys). So, maybe I am a little addicted? Maybe an alcoholic-in-training that just hasn't gotten rolling yet?
But, yeah, I still also kind of agree (for sure) with hank jr's sentiments that the "control" is a bit much. Yes, there was a time when the amount of running I did was an issue for us (and I resented pulling back at that time as well, though it was about time - we have multiple children and I was running a lot with no real good payoff for it other than to get just a little better). There are other things as well that I know would be a no-go's for her (like weed for example), which I have accommodated believing that someday she would ease up. On the other hand, all of these things are probably a touch wiser to stay away from - she is a productive person.
So, for the time being, I get my Thursdays, but unless we work out some sort of agreement, no more than that. I'm wondering if it might be "easier", though to just stop altogether. There have been a couple of times this week when I wanted one and was then annoyed by our not figuring this out yet. Thanks again.