My boyfriend cheated...should I forgive him? Looking for an update from "hearbroken" from 17 yrs ago.

Heartbroken,

Being drunk is never a valid excuse for doing something so stupid. It was his choice to get drunk and to cheat on you while doing so.

A lot of people on here say its not a big deal because it was just a kiss. Why would you have a girlfriend if you are interested in making out with other women? If you are interested in violating a relationship like that, why wouldn't you talk to your partner first, end the relationship if necessary, and then go make out with someone else? Don't do it while you are still in a relationship, that is just cruel. Its hard enough to deal with the end of the relationship, let alone someone cheating on you.

It sounds like you were in a committed relationship. If so, he knew what he was doing was wrong. Maybe it was just one mistake... but why should you have to live with worrying if it will ever happen again? Trust is the most important aspect of a relationship. If you can't 100% trust your partner, how can you continue with the relationship? Its one of the hardest thing in the world finding out that someone you love has done something that hurts you, especially when it is violating your trust with another woman. It is even harder having to lose that friendship that you had. It takes time to get over the pain... just know that eventually, you will get over it and feel better.

No, not all men are pigs... but most of them are. There are, believe it or not, some guys out there who would treat you like a queen and would value your friendship and your romantic relationship more than words can describe... who would never violate your trust like that. The guys on here who say that all guys would cheat are the ones who just want to make themselves feel better about being such a$$#*!#$. You will find the right guy for you someday and he will treat you like you deserve to be treated. For right now, focus on your running. Spend time with your friends and have fun. It was his loss & his fault. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to do this.

Heartbroken,

How is it going? How is your situation coming along? Have you made any decisions?

Dump his ass.

Don't break up with him; screw his dad.

Flagpole, your relationship advice is the shittiest I have ever seen. Claiming that just because you aren't married there is no real commitment and so it's ok to cheat is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I don't see how I can even argue about something that stupid. I agree with you on a lot of issues, but you are totally full of shit on this one.

I would get really bent out of shape if my girlfriend kissed someone. I definitely consider it cheating. The fact that he was drunk let's him a little off the hook, but he shouldn't have put himself in that position. That's what I hate about drinking!

When people have sex before they make a life-long committment to each other, it almost always leads to problems.

It's hard to say this guy cheated unless he actually promised to forsake all other women.

Yet feelings are very hurt because this "heartbroken" was totally intimate with this man.

A kiss is not nearly as big as sex, no. But he was still seeking pleasure with another woman, i.e. not being faithful.

Another thing, most of the men on this board are letting themselves off the hook way too much. Just because you have an instinct doesn't mean you have to be a slave to it. That's a sign of a weak man.

The solution is not easy. I would say, do not have sex with him again until you two are married, if that ever happens. It's harder to say no when you've done it a lot before, but it is possible to make a new resolution. And if he can't control himself when he drinks, tell him you will break up with him if he continues to get drunk. If he doesn't agree to these terms you deserve better. You have to be very strong for this to work, but that's how life is. Admittedly, my ideals are based on my Christian faith, but doesn't it make sense?

It's interestingly ironic the you describe the Christain belief as "self-hatred", yet go on to proclaim that "we are nothing more than animals". It would appear from that statement that your position is the one filled with more self-loathing.

Christians by and large don't believe that we are "nothing more than animals". Rather, Christians believe that God loves all people, and because He gave us the ability to know Him through Jesus, have are relationship with Him, and live our lives filled with the joy of His presence. Recognizing the fact of our sin doesn't equate to self-hatred; it is merely the first step of checking our intellectual self-righteousness at the door, being honest about who we are, and taking the first step toward accepting God's love and salvation.

God bless,

excelsior

excelsior wrote:

It's interestingly ironic the you describe the Christain belief as "self-hatred", yet go on to proclaim that "we are nothing more than animals". It would appear from that statement that your position is the one filled with more self-loathing.

No, you are making a biased assumption. You are assuming it is a bad thing to be nothing more than an animal. It is neither bad nor good. It just is.

Is it bad or good that 1 + 1 = 2, or that the sky is blue, or that water boils at 100 degrees Celsius, or that lions are carnivores? No, these things do not have an intrinsic value, they just are how they are.

We are highly evolved, intelligent members of the ape family. That makes us animals. Your religious bias tells you that my statement is bad, when if fact I do not mean it in either a good or bad way, I'm simply stating a fact.

excelsior wrote:

It's interestingly ironic the you describe the Christain belief as "self-hatred", yet go on to proclaim that "we are nothing more than animals". It would appear from that statement that your position is the one filled with more self-loathing.

Faulty logic. What you're saying might be true if man is filled with a natural hatred for animals.

"The water from the rusty bucket tasted irony."

JunxiaFan wrote:

Flagpole, your relationship advice is the shittiest I have ever seen. Claiming that just because you aren't married there is no real commitment and so it's ok to cheat is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I don't see how I can even argue about something that stupid. I agree with you on a lot of issues, but you are totally full of shit on this one.

I would get really bent out of shape if my girlfriend kissed someone. I definitely consider it cheating. The fact that he was drunk let's him a little off the hook, but he shouldn't have put himself in that position. That's what I hate about drinking!

JunxiaFan,

I didn't say it was OK to cheat if you're not married, just that it's not THAT big a deal. If a person wants a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to progress to marriage, then cheating is STUPID for sure and certainly risks that potential marriage, BUT it isn't as big a deal as if someone cheats while they are married. On the other hand, I give him NO out at all for being drunk. Like you said, he put himself in that position, and we still have control of ourselves even when plastered more than we like to admit.

ha ha - are you kidding? you really think he "just kissed" the girl? He f***ed her, no question.

oh boy wrote:

ha ha - are you kidding? you really think he "just kissed" the girl? He f***ed her, no question.

Not sure, but he didn't say *where* he kissed her.

whaaaaaaat????? ^ guys this is hillllarious!!!!!!!!

Move on. I'm 63 and have never cheated. I was married, separated and divorced and I didn't even hold hands or kiss another woman until my divorce was final (even though my marriage was over long before that.

I've seen two women since my divorce and was faithful to both.

It's funny- for some reason I have this "reputation" of being a womanizer and having sex with many women, some at the same time!!

I never have. I have been faithful to every woman I've been with and that's 3 since 1983).

If he cheated, he will cheat again no matter what he says.

It has nothing to do with you. He will cheat on every woman he's with.

It's HIM and HIS problem, not the woman (women) he's with.

I think she has probably moved on given that it was 17 years ago.