For mostly adult men: anybody else's adult father show no interest in your life?

I hope that sweet release has befallen you since you wrote this

Why would someone else's father show any interest in my life?

Stockton Rush posted here one year ago. RIP Stockton.

“At some point, safety just is pure waste,” Stockton told journalist David Pogue in an interview last year. “I mean, if you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed. Don’t get in your car. Don’t do anything.”

Some fathers never form a bond with their children. They may go through the motions for the sake of appearances at times, but the feeling just isn’t there. I’ve learned that after far too many years of trying. The best thing you can do is accept it, stop making an effort, and move on.

Lot's of peoples fathers show no interest in my life.

Thats life sadly. The 23 years being on God's green earth, I've never experienced a genuine relationship with my Dad (55). He never talks to me or my siblings or my mom. He never asks me any questions, our conversations are 30 seconds max, usually involving him belitting me as a joke, or joking about me being weak, or poor, or wrong about something, or not smart enough (i'm 6'4 230lbs, im a boxer, weight lifter, I have my own business). He's very insecure and I'm not sure why? He has it all, he's very successful. I'm a male, so I never think about this, but recently my Mom's told me she's divorcing him. Theres over 1000 hours of explaining all the horrible, awful, evil things my Dad has done to my mother, my 5 siblings, myself, and our dogs. He's narcissitc, self centered, arogant, ignorant, prideful, hostile, and has a huge problem with cognitve dissonance. You can't talk to him, you can't ask him to change, you can't have a conversation with him about being nicer, or not verbally abusing his kids, his wife. Nothing. Its sad too, this man will be dead in 30 years (all of my grandparents lived until their late 80-90s) and all I have to remember him by NOW anyways, is how self centered he is. He has no interest in my life, or my siblings, practically makes fun and belittles or curses at my mom every chance he can get. I guess he finally had enough when my mother just stopped yelling back, I guess my Dad liked the attention? He'll die alone, miserable, and lonely. I see it clearly even before the divorce will happen. He'll be angry for a year, ballistic even. But after he'll be lonely, depressed, miserable. I mean all of this is his fault, he caused it, he did it to himself. Usually it takes 2 to fight, but not my Mom, never fought with him, never instigated the fights, usually never even yelled back out of respect. His dad was pathetic, self centered, and an azzhole just like he is. Never gave a damn about anyone but himself, never cared, never thought to ask his kids, or wife how they were doing, or if they needed something. damn, the second I got a girlfriend at 22, he belittled me saying we would never last, and she was ugly and disgusting (she's quite beautiful actually from an objective standpoint, not sure how I pulled her). Once I wanted to live with her after 3 months and told him on accident, he flipped out, harassed me for 6 months threatening to cut me off, take my car, stop paying my college, or beat my mom, beat my siblings, all this crap. All because I was living with my gf instead of at home. Control, some people are just so insecure, all they can grasp to keep the lights on in their soul is control. Control is all they need. Anyway thats life, I;m not crying about it, but its just fascinating how self destructive and stupid some people turn out to be. Not sure if it's because they became parents or they were always like that. One second he's buying my mom all these presents, the next he's grabbing my 13 year old sister by the throat and screaming at her, why? Because she didn't explain what was happening in the movie every 45 seconds. Again some people are just destined for hell :/

Isn't all the fighting along lines of sex, race, ethnicity, nationality, etc., enough for you?

My Boomer neighbor was killed in South Vietnam at age 20 or 21, by the way, as did many draftees. I'm sure he ruined things for you. Were you ever drafted into service?

This post has been oddly helpful for me. Too bad so many unnecessary and unhelpful comments. My Dad is actually a pretty cool person. He didn't do well in school, but is intelligent. He worked in construction, built homes from the ground up (everything but sheetrock) on the side, and rebuilt cars as a hobby. We never wanted for anything, but he spent all the extra money on his cars. We never really went on vacation even though it was talked about.

I, on the other hand, did very well in school, but didn't have the same natural interest in motors or mechanics as my Dad. I always thought that this was why my Dad was never interested in me or my life. My wife and I visit a few times a year. My Mom and Dad are still together and we all have a good time. My Dad makes the small talk ok, but nothing of substance. Awhile back I started hugging him before I left and telling him I loved him. I don't ever remember him saying he loved me before. He was forced to hug me back and say it back. He was very uncomfortable at first. He's a little better at it now. ;)

Same. Almost exactly.
I need to sit him down and talk, but he leaves the room anytime I or my mom (they’ve been married 55 yrs) try to have a serious conversation that involves him.

he visits my sister who has kids, but because my mom takes him.
it’s sad and frustrating and seems hopeless at times.

he was a great, supportive father when I lived at home until i went to college. Would have done anything for me. Made a lot of sacrifices for me and knows I’m aware of what he’s done for me too. It’s not like I don’t acknowledge my gratitude to my folks.

I have two adult girls and one my daughter's could have written one of these posts. I have good comfortable and supportive connection with my youngest (we talk frequently) but there seems to be a polite wall with my oldest.

My oldest speaks very frequently with her mom but not me. She has a high powered job and is extremely competitive about work and her clinb up the corporate ladder. She talks in depth with her mom about her job but not me. (her husband not that interested in her work)

I don't fight or argue with my daughter and we love each. I call her on her birthday but most communication with her is through my wife. We talk freely on visits but it seems to be on a polite friendly level nothing deeper.

The stress we might have is when she thinks her younger sister is favored. I am careful not to say positive stuff about her younger sister

Sounds like a rough relationship. As someone who has been married for many many years, it’s rarely entirely one persons fault when a relationship hits the rocks. I have no idea what your dad is going through obviously, but I’d urge you to extend Grace if you can.

He assumes that you are a grown man and don't need his help. It's why my father and I discuss sports and some financial situations, but that's about it.

If you need someone to call and tell you that you are loved, I assume you have a mother. You call her for that.

Look up Denzel Washingtons speech to his son in the movie Fence's from 2016. I tried to copy it but was unable. I did my job.

I was in the “Distant Daddy” group like many other posters here before he died last year. Fortunately for me, I had a lot of strong, positive male role models growing up that filled that need that wasn’t really provided at home.

As my dad slowly succumbed to Parkinson’s and dementia over the last several years of his life, I found that I wasn’t really sad about him dying. He was objectively a miserable, selfish person. I was more sad about the death of the “father figure” in my life, and all of the expectations that I had been conditioned to place upon that person.

I think as a society we assign all sorts of expectations to different people based upon their role in society. Mothers, fathers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, politicians, etc. Each group has standards for them, and when people fall short, we promptly criticize them in hopes that they fall in line with set expectations, or to assuage our personal feelings, or both. And when I realized that he was never that strong father figure, and that he was merely a man, a deeply flawed man who happened to also be a father, that’s when I was able to more readily move on and accept him for who he was.

Whether or not that’s right or wrong, or even makes sense, that’s how I reconciled that side of my life. It seems to have worked for me. I still get sad sometimes when certain things remind me of him, but that’s normal. And over time those feelings will fade and he’ll just be a distant memory.

My siblings have had a much more difficult time with it. My sister is still very bitter and resentful over him and everything around him. And my brother is quickly approaching 30, no formal education, working dead-end jobs, still living at home with my mom, and is a closeted homosexual (to our family, but very much public with his friends).

But that’s life, right? Everyone deals with their own s**t their own way. And if you want to carry the weight of anger/bitterness/frustration over your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father everywhere you go, then by all means, go for it. But at the end of the day, it’s going to bother you a lot more than it does him.

I would guess most who say this do not have parents who stayed married

Keeping a marriage together seems like the common denominator in fitting otherwise

He's a guy. It's unfair for you to put pressure on him. Accept him and be glad he's not the unstable headcase my dad is. That weirdo's 90 and insane as ever.

Lmao, who keeps necro-ing this thread I started a decade ago? Anyways, I respond to this post because my feelings have basically developed into what this person wrote. My dad has developed some health problems the last few years and added loneliness, misery, and depression to his usual selfishness, disconnection, and anger. The choices he has made throughout his life to manage his emotions and relationships have led him to this point, and I can't say that I feel too bad for him. Of course, I can empathize with the pain he feels, but he doesn't make it easy. Just today, my mom called for Easter and tried to put him on the phone, but he said about two sentences and then didn't want to talk. How can I have a meaningful relationship with this man? I can't, actually, because he doesn't want to. So I don't dwell on it anymore and focus on other relationships and activities.

Wow, what a thread.

Felt like I could have written the first post. My dad was not a "bad" dad. He was always home for dinner, never really yelled at us, paid for our education - but he just really never connected with me, when I talk to him he never really engages, and he watches tv all day (and did growing up). I have repressed memories as a kid of trying to play with him and him basically just ignoring me to watch TV. Like how weird is it to not even attempt to play with your kids? Was always a chore to get him to play catch with me, so I remember feeling bad to ask so I would just throw a ball against the school wall.

I sort of just moved on with it as a young kid, and found other baseball and track coaches in high school were like a father to me (its why I really support youth sports).

My theory on this, is that boomer parents (my dad was born in 1951) inherited the shared trauma of their father's WW2 PTSD. My grandpa was in some hairy situations in the war and refused to talk about it (all happened to him at age 19!). Boomer kids never really had emotional/engaging fathers because their fathers lost their innocence at an early age and it was hard to be a young father just a few years after the horror of the war. Add in the generational trauma of the great depression, and basically many of our boomer dads had pretty poor father figures to look up to.

It sort of passed down to the young gen x/millennials in the 80s. Now in 2024 as most millennial's are having kids I think the trauma is starting to distance itself.

Just my theory.