Age 34 w/ 3 year old. I don't want another - so she wants to separate.

Wow. She wants a second child so badly she's willing to completely upend the life of the first one. Sounds like you married a real keeper!

It doesn't matter what the average age now for a first pregnancy is. That is a societal shift, but the reality is that birth defects drastically ramp up when either parent is age 35 at conception. This is not an OPINION that I have. This is a fact.

I would actually describe it as a mild increase @ 35 with a very steep ramp 40+. 35-39 puts your right at the inflection point of the hockey stick. There are also many positive benefits to older mothers when looking at population level data. Higher graduation rates, test scores etc.

All things being equal there is a case to be made for the tradeoff between the real risk of complications (to the mother and baby) vs. the reality that most people get more established in life (maturity, careers, finances) as they age and are capable of being better parents.

I put this right up there with the "this is the definition of a real man" post that circulates around here sometimes.

Boy, what a dumb decision to not discuss this before getting married and/or having a kid, and not considering it a dealbreaker when she insisted on wanting a Mormon-sized family.

I don't care how good the rest of the relationship was. The absolute worst mindset to have in a situation like this is thinking they will change their mind someday or you will change their mind. No, and no. You should have let her go and find someone who wanted her to pump out a dozen kids, and you should have found someone who didn't.

Think about this ...do you actually LOVE her and your CHILD? Marriage and kids is not a throwaway.

This one's easy, He gets snipped without telling her, then happily participates every night in her desires to have another kid.

Back to the OP. What does the 3 year old want? I bet the kid wants a brother or sister or in any case would benefit from one.

6rfyoyxihdkhsodh wrote:

Can you really not work this out yourself?

Single motherhood or remaining childless are valid options now in society, at least this century. Both are certainly viable alternatives to the disruption caused by poor male behaviour in relationships, or sub-par male …

Sure single motherhood can be done. But it’s not ideal most of the time, and makes it difficult on children.

We have 11. With each one as they came we wondered how we were going to support one more, but we figured it out. Think of it like quarter intervals at a hard effort. After each one you feel like you are absolutely and completely done, but you dig deep and find what it takes to finish the workout. And in the end you are glad you did not quit.

Sasha Pachev wrote:

We have 11. With each one as they came we wondered how we were going to support one more, but we figured it out. Think of it like quarter intervals at a hard effort. After each one you feel like you are absolutely and completely done, but you dig deep and find what it takes to finish the workout. And in the end you are glad you did not quit.

Your situation is unique to being embedded in a religious culture that supports that. It's a thing in Catholic pockets of USA and Europe, too. Trying to spread that outside of those unique situations is ignorant of the lack of relative support and resources for such elsewhere. Congrats on your large family, it must be a privilege to feel enabled to do that.

Having more than 3 kids is very selfish.

What is your reason for not wanting another kid costs? You're already committed with 1 kid adding a 2nd doesn't increase the expenses that much. It's the 3 kid that add the huge costs.

As the saying goes: 1 is not enough and 3 is 1 to many. They can play together and keep each other entertained. If you only have 1 kid you'll be forever their playmate and will never get back to having a (somewhat) relaxing time with your wife.