Married guys: what has made your marriage successful?

listen to me wrote:

Communication.......,Its very important that certain subjects not be discussed. There will be no resolution and it just upset both of you.

Buried it son, buried deep.

This is TRUE!

plus one

the whole "communication is the most important thing" is phony - it might work for female friendship, but asking most American men to communicate is torture and counterproductive.

but to the OP's question:

men have to understand they don't deserve more than one woman.

women have to understand that domestic life doesn't come naturally to men.

And both have to understand the goal of a fight is not to win but to end it. Trying to win arguments to me is the most common problem even in decent marriages.

freddie wrote:

Some already said it. Communication. You must talk to each other.

C'mon now. What guy doesn't cringe when the wife says: "Honey, we need to have a serious talk."

Probably get blasted for this, but I have been married for over 20 years. Things that I think have helped us.

1. Commitment (divorce is too easy, and you could find a reason every other week if needed)

2. Support in each others beliefs, activities, and such

3. communication this was the hardest for me to learn. Listening is sitting there, you have to be involved

4. Be social, to many older couples stop living their lives. Continue to do some of the things you did when you were younger, and always try new.

5. Flexibility each has to be willing to change in order to make things work.

Lastly when you get married you are a team. Every team has members that are better at some things then others. One person should bare the load of the entire team.

notroll wrote:

freddie wrote:

Some already said it. Communication. You must talk to each other.

C'mon now. What guy doesn't cringe when the wife says: "Honey, we need to have a serious talk."

Ahhh yes. The "collaborative" talk. Those can go two ways.

It doesn't help that women typically don't want to immediately solve problems with the talking. They do, eventually, but the ritual of expressing their feelings related/unrelated to the topic was a learned process for me. I get it now and have developed the patience to not solve the issue right away.

An important topic that is discussed at length in another thread, the post nuptial shut off, figures into the "serious talk" relationship dynamic.

Learn to swallow your pride.

The honeymoon will not last forever. You will be different people in ten years, twenty years, etc... You will fight. You will get angry. The only married couples that don't fight are those that have massive power disparities. So you will be tempted to say "F this bitch, I don't need any of this crap, I'm done."

Apologizing, making up, reaching out to someone. Your pride won't like it. It will seem like a concession, like weakness. But it's key.

Also, she will almost certainly do the lion's share of the housework. Appreciate her. You may not want to because it will seem like admitting that she does more than you (which she does) and that admitting this will give her an advantage. But a woman can semi-contentedly do the lion's share of the housework; she can't contentedly be unappreciated.

Ideally learn to develop real humility and then you won't have to swallow your pride and force yourself to do these things. It will come naturally.

I have a great marriage because I didn't marry a ..... runner. Self absorption is an ugly trait.

I enjoy running. If there is spare time I will see if I can grab a run. I don't have to run everyday. I no longer have to do the 15 miler in 34 degree rain .... thank god. My last collegiate cross country race was 30 years ago, and I let it all go ........

My wife enjoys certain activities that I don't. She fits them in when she has time. She has a perspective on what is sane ....

Anyone who is fifty who HAS to run everyday has a problem, imho.

over2decadesofmarriage wrote:

Probably get blasted for this, but I have been married for over 20 years. Things that I think have helped us.

1. Commitment (divorce is too easy, and you could find a reason every other week if needed)

2. Support in each others beliefs, activities, and such

3. communication this was the hardest for me to learn. Listening is sitting there, you have to be involved

4. Be social, to many older couples stop living their lives. Continue to do some of the things you did when you were younger, and always try new.

5. Flexibility each has to be willing to change in order to make things work.

Lastly when you get married you are a team. Every team has members that are better at some things then others. One person should bare the load of the entire team.

Could not have said it any better.

I new when we first met that she was the one.

I am lucky to have a good friend and wife.

And on another positive note I turned 52 today and was able to run 8 miles at 5am in 10 degree temp with sub zero wind chill.

Life is good, trying to remind myself this with all these rock stars checking out.

One Rule: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. EOT.

hookers

I bring strangers that are well-endowed (I post on craigslist) in to our bedroom and let them bang my wife while I watch. If it wasn't for this, she would have left me a while back

17 years here. I married someone with a similar worldview as mine, we have common musical tastes, politics, religion, ideas on work/career/money, etc. This prevents so much friction and provides a lot of "bonding" opportunities.

Also, know when to back off and admit you were wrong or selfish, but also be honest enough to say "I know this is kind of selfish, but I really want to do it anyway."

Married 20 years:

- agree on money issues.If you do not do this you will fight, if it continues it will lead to contempt. Once you hold a person in contempt the relationship is over. You cannot come back from this.

- come to an agreement on the level your families will play in your daily lives. Trust me on this, some MILs or FILs and SILs can destroy what could be a good couple.

-You need to actually enjoy being around the other person other than sex or fun times.

Respect, two way street. If you don't respect her you will cheat or do something stupid, if she doesn't respect you she'll eventually leave.

over2decadesofmarriage wrote:

Probably get blasted for this, but I have been married for over 20 years. Things that I think have helped us.

1. Commitment (divorce is too easy, and you could find a reason every other week if needed)

2. Support in each others beliefs, activities, and such

3. communication this was the hardest for me to learn. Listening is sitting there, you have to be involved

4. Be social, to many older couples stop living their lives. Continue to do some of the things you did when you were younger, and always try new.

5. Flexibility each has to be willing to change in order to make things work.

Lastly when you get married you are a team. Every team has members that are better at some things then others. One person should bare the load of the entire team.

Good stuff, especially the part about remaining social. Too often people get married, have kids and lose themselves. You need to make time to still be YOU. Making your kids your "entire life" is a mistake and a recent convention. Our grandparents sure didn't think this way and neither did generations before them.

You have kids, you raise them, they are part of your life, but not your entire existence. Kids grow up, they leave, heck even by HS they should be distancing themselves from you.