In love with a (unhappily) married woman who is also in love with me... Would like some input.

Walter H wrote:

I've tried writing this thread multiple times now but always end up making it too long and detailed. Long story short, I'm in love with a married woman, and she's in love with me. We didn't intend for it to happen, neither of us were seeking something like this... There's just an extremely intense connection, the strongest of both of our lives, and it was there almost literally from the first hello. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, and our relationship just gets deeper and deeper the more we talk and the more time we spend together... We're best friends, and honestly, at this point, I'm having a tough time envisioning my life without her.

But of course, she's married. To make matters worse, there are kids. Talking to her, it sounds like she has been unhappy for a long time, the marriage has been all but dead for a long time (years), but she has bent over backwards trying to make it work. Her husband does not treat her right at all... It's blatant. I'm not saying he's all bad, but it's definitely outside what is reasonable. She has also said her parents have never liked him, and even his relationship with his own parents is a bit strained.

Neither of us know what to do. Clearly this arrangement isn't sustainable long term, and frankly, it sucks. Her husband is a workaholic and travels a lot for work, so it's unlikely he'd ever find out, but we still only get to see each other a couple times per week and never get to do normal couple things. Plus there's the stress and the guilt from the circumstances. We both want to be together, we're both genuinely good for one another and help each other, she's unhappy in a (pretty much) dead marriage, but neither she nor I feel comfortable moving forward with the big D word largely because of the kids, and at the same time, she's made it clear that she doesn't think there's any possibility for the marriage to improve... It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...

Has anyone been through something like this? Anyone have any (thoughtful) advice? What about the kids and the effects of a divorce? I've heard some people say divorce can ultimately be a good thing for the kids if the parents are genuinely unhappy together, but I think that really depends on the marriage... Thoughts?

Walter H wrote:

Oh Please wrote:

Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.

I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.

I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.

I would like to hear more and can email you or do something else if you have a better method. Post a throwaway email account and I can write you.

Also want to briefly say a few things to address some of the replies...

I have had a couple serious relationships in my life and many non-serious ones. I do not have trouble attracting women. I am old enough to know what I have here is incredibly rare, not something you can expect to find again within a decade or more, possibly a lifetime. It's not simply lust or infatuation. We have had many long, serious conversations now, spent a ton of time together. Things only get deeper and more solid the more time goes on. Generally with crushes or lust situations, the opposite is true.

People saying I'm demonizing the husband to justify my actions are simply wrong. I thought about that a lot, and if I shared the details, it would be clear to anyone that the marriage is not good, and he treats her badly. I'm not saying that justifies anything either. Just stating facts.

Also, they've been married 10.5 years, and she's never done this before. I've never done something like this before even though I've had opportunities. We very organically fell in love. People can say I'm terrible and I'm the bad guy and I'm destroying the marriage, etc. That's fine. I think that's an overly simplistic, reactionary, and unsophisticated way of viewing things though. If the marriage was good and loving, this thing with me would have never happened. It happened as a symptom or manifestation of a dead marriage. People need love. People need to feel connection, need to feel appreciated. The need for those things doesn't go away just because there's a label of marriage. I'm not trying to "justify" anything. Just saying things are not always purely black and white, good and bad, etc. We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.

Walter H wrote:

Oh Please wrote:

Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.

I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.

I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.

I would like to hear more and can email you or do something else if you have a better method. Post a throwaway email account and I can write you.

Also want to briefly say a few things to address some of the replies...

I have had a couple serious relationships in my life and many non-serious ones. I do not have trouble attracting women. I am old enough to know what I have here is incredibly rare, not something you can expect to find again within a decade or more, possibly a lifetime. It's not simply lust or infatuation. We have had many long, serious conversations now, spent a ton of time together. Things only get deeper and more solid the more time goes on. Generally with crushes or lust situations, the opposite is true.

People saying I'm demonizing the husband to justify my actions are simply wrong. I thought about that a lot, and if I shared the details, it would be clear to anyone that the marriage is not good, and he treats her badly. I'm not saying that justifies anything either. Just stating facts.

Also, they've been married 10.5 years, and she's never done this before. I've never done something like this before even though I've had opportunities. We very organically fell in love. People can say I'm terrible and I'm the bad guy and I'm destroying the marriage, etc. That's fine. I think that's an overly simplistic, reactionary, and unsophisticated way of viewing things though. If the marriage was good and loving, this thing with me would have never happened. It happened as a symptom or manifestation of a dead marriage. People need love. People need to feel connection, need to feel appreciated. The need for those things doesn't go away just because there's a label of marriage. I'm not trying to "justify" anything. Just saying things are not always purely black and white, good and bad, etc. We are both happier and genuinely better people together. It's not just excitement or fun or whatever. The people suggesting that's what it is strike me as people who've never had relationships that meant something beyond that. I would rather be with this one woman for the rest of my life than have all the booty in the world. There's no comparison.

Walter H wrote:

I've tried writing this thread multiple times now but always end up making it too long and detailed. Long story short, I'm in love with a married woman, and she's in love with me. We didn't intend for it to happen, neither of us were seeking something like this... There's just an extremely intense connection, the strongest of both of our lives, and it was there almost literally from the first hello. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, and our relationship just gets deeper and deeper the more we talk and the more time we spend together... We're best friends, and honestly, at this point, I'm having a tough time envisioning my life without her.

But of course, she's married. To make matters worse, there are kids. Talking to her, it sounds like she has been unhappy for a long time, the marriage has been all but dead for a long time (years), but she has bent over backwards trying to make it work. Her husband does not treat her right at all... It's blatant. I'm not saying he's all bad, but it's definitely outside what is reasonable. She has also said her parents have never liked him, and even his relationship with his own parents is a bit strained.

Neither of us know what to do. Clearly this arrangement isn't sustainable long term, and frankly, it sucks. Her husband is a workaholic and travels a lot for work, so it's unlikely he'd ever find out, but we still only get to see each other a couple times per week and never get to do normal couple things. Plus there's the stress and the guilt from the circumstances. We both want to be together, we're both genuinely good for one another and help each other, she's unhappy in a (pretty much) dead marriage, but neither she nor I feel comfortable moving forward with the big D word largely because of the kids, and at the same time, she's made it clear that she doesn't think there's any possibility for the marriage to improve... It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...

Has anyone been through something like this? Anyone have any (thoughtful) advice? What about the kids and the effects of a divorce? I've heard some people say divorce can ultimately be a good thing for the kids if the parents are genuinely unhappy together, but I think that really depends on the marriage... Thoughts?