Age 34 w/ 3 year old. I don't want another - so she wants to separate.

highhoppingworm wrote:

Yes because your experience is reflective of every relationship everywhere. Give me a break. This stuff is very situational.

My experience is my experience, correct.

The OP doesn't want anymore kids, but the wife wants MULTIPLE and comes from a family of 8.

You think this situation is going to turn out OK? Give ME a break.

So agree to separation, get your own place and bang a bunch of other chicks.

Get a vasectomy, but don’t tell her.

Try to have a second child, but come to an agreement with your wife that

1) you will not pursue expensive fertility treatments

2) you are stopping at 2 (you will have to get a vasectomy)

The other option is divorce your wife and find yourself a new partner who will, wait for it... eventually want kids even though she says she doesn't now. If you and your wife split you're going to end up with at least 3 kids from different women.

Tell her you want 12 kids

You do know that if she wants another kid, you're gonna have another kid right? Age old argument that the sperm donor always loses.

Happy wife happy life v2 wrote:

Try to have a second child, but come to an agreement with your wife that

1) you will not pursue expensive fertility treatments

2) you are stopping at 2 (you will have to get a vasectomy)

The other option is divorce your wife and find yourself a new partner who will, wait for it... eventually want kids even though she says she doesn't now. If you and your wife split you're going to end up with at least 3 kids from different women.

It’s entirely possible the new partner will see all the work required with the existing kids and not want to add more.

But aside from all that, why the heck are people having more kids when the world is going to end soon anyway?

Renewed Marathoner wrote:

It's easy to go the vilifying route but if you can let go of that. Some people want different things in life. And it's ok to let go of a relationship to find what works best for you. If she wants more kids and you don't and that really is a deal breaker, better to be with a partner that fits you both better. You only live once.

Hello. You should have talked about this BEFORE having your first kid.

I think it's good for kids to have a sibling. I only have 1 but mine that have multiple say it's easier to have 2 or 3 as they can play with each other. Honestly, once you have a kid, why not have more than 1?

themack wrote:

Discussions weren't set on a number, except she wanted "a lot" - she is part of 8 (but really 4, there are steps and halves that are quite younger and she never lived with). I was adamant against that - not affordable, didn't want the change in lifestyle. Took us many steps to get pregnant and have this one - we counted our blessings. Thought we were fine with 1 but that changes when we're around family/friends with multiples.

No, I don't think either of us would say we're particularly strong as a team at the moment...

So you are that selfish that you would bail on her and your kid because you don't want to deal with another kid? You have to be a troll. Nobody is this big of a loser. Seriously? How do you marry someone from a family of 8 and expect to only have one kid and then leave her and the kid because you can't handle another. Dude, you are either trolling or extremely shallow. Please be a troll.

Seems like a valid reason to separate. If she wants kids and you won’t supply the kids she deserves to get them from someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to her to live a miserable, unhappy life. Same for you though. If you don’t want more kids, it wouldn’t be fair to you to be forced to have more kids you don’t want and be unhappy and miserable with a bunch of screaming pooping kids. The reality is if you cave and give her the kids, you won’t be a good parent because you don’t want the kids and she’ll leave you anyways for neglecting the kids. Except if you have 2, 3, 4 kids the child support is that much more than 1 kid.

Lesson learned for the younger crowd. Have this conversation before marriage and before having your first kid. That said, some women could change their mind. At 25 they may insist they only want zero or one kid their entire life. Then at 30 they may realize they want another or their first kid. Then at 35 they may want another. The reality is the 3-5 year old age is the cutest age and it causes baby fever. And the older women get the more their hormones tell them have more babies.

Anyways, it’s a shame you’re in this situation. It seems inevitable divorce is coming and that’ll cost you financially and mess up the current kid psychologically. Life sucks huh.

themack wrote:

Eh?

I don't want another, but she does - and multiple - and I guess she'll get more later if she splits with me?

Either way it's something she wants me "thinking about" - not necessarily having another, but "having another or we're done".

Wish I knew these things a few years ago....

1) Did she lie to you before you got married about how many children she wanted? If so, SHE'S at fault.

2) Did YOU change your mind about how many children you wanted? If so, YOU are at fault.

3) Did you never talk about it? If so, you are BOTH at fault.

4) It's a big decision to have a child, let alone perhaps MORE than just one more, but this is not something to play games with as others have suggested. You need to decide if you want to keep the marriage (and it could just be short-term...I mean, there's no guarantee your marriage will last if you have more children. This ultimatum she has given you isn't really indicative of a healthy mindset on her part) and have more children, or decide not to have more children and give her what she wants...a separation likely leading to a divorce. Don't tell her that you will not have more children in hopes that she will "fold". That's bad advice...and it's game playing. You two are adults. You need to discuss this as adults. The conversation should begin by you saying this - "Are you serious that you want to separate if I don't agree to more children?" If her answer is YES, then you have a decision to make...give her more children, or decide you can't and that you will separate. No game playing. Take her at her word.

Sucks that you are in this position. Good luck.

OP,

Ok, I went back and read some of your other posts...I'm removing some of my harshness.

To be fair, she said "a lot", and by no means is one kid "a lot". BUT, you said it was very difficult for you to have that baby, so I think it is fair of you to have changed your opinion and view on having "a lot".

So, some things:

1) I am not a fan of people getting pregnant at 35 or older (for the man or the woman) as many issues have a greater change of happening including Down Syndrome beginning at age 35. So, not sure when you and/or she will be turning 35, but if you want another kid to come from you both, you'd better put on the Luther Vandross music yesterday.

2) I agree with another poster that adoption is a good idea, especially since you two had trouble with your first one and you are not ideally young to be producing a baby.

3) The ultimatum is a really bad sign. My wife would NEVER put me in such a position, and I would NEVER do that to her either. That is NOT a loving gesture at all, and it is a big problem and worthy of marriage counseling if the two of you decide to stay together.

4) Based on your account of all of this, my impression is that your wife is immature. You two had a hard time with the pregnancy in some way, you are mid 30s, you waited until your kid is 3, and NOW she gives you an ultimatum about having more. Is she familiar with calendars and the passage of time?

5) I know that love is a complicated thing, but I personally would have a VERY hard time being given an ultimatum about such a big decision. If my wife ever did that (she wouldn't, because she is the best human ever), we would need some serious marriage counseling that would have to end with her deep apology. Good luck.

Dwightarm wrote:

CrispyChicken wrote:

At this point its not about you or her, its about the child that you two have already made. That child is the #1 responsibility of both you and her. The best interest of that child is to live with both parents. Through life, the child would also do well to have a sibling, if not for anything else to help care for you and your woman's old crinkly asses.

This is juvenile advice.

Clearly, these two have more issues together than a disagreement about another child. Growing up in a household with toxic parents who resent each other is far worse for a child than a safe and healthy home with 1 parent.

OP, 2nd kid aside — is your marriage worth saving? Would the therapy route help?

Almost never the case. 100% chance the mother brings in some dude who will 100% abuse the child, as human nature does not allow any other instinct.

The father probably will remarry and unknowingly move against the current of his biological children, socially.

All of this is far worse if either new couple ends up with children of their own and then a nuclear family with your firstborn excluded.

Adults breaking the family structure are literally the cause of most societal problems. The only thing not fair is to the rest of humanity is her corrupting her children's future and everyone else's future by running out on the primary force in a healthy society - family values.

It is not about her once she has children and is an adult. Is she going to pursue her 'happy life' as a professional athlete or academic at 38 as a single mother? No, she is only going to ruin her children's lives and run out on any responsibility. Becoming a junkie is about as destructive.

A lot of women (or at least those with the capacity for independent thought) now think that the liklihood of their spouse or partner leaving them and ending up a single mother anyway is quite high that they should make decisions based on whats best for themselves.

If you think like you indicate above - that women should sacrifice personal happiness and fulfillment for the sake of an outdated notion of family in a world full of badly behaving, unreliable men, your best bet is probably a very stupid or unattractive woman. Although the risk of course is that your children will inherit those traits.

6rfyoyxihdkhsodh wrote:

If you think like you indicate above - that women should sacrifice personal happiness and fulfillment for the sake of an outdated notion of family in a world full of badly behaving, unreliable men, your best bet is probably a very stupid or unattractive woman. Although the risk of course is that your children will inherit those traits.

What alternative do you know to this outdated notion of family to raise healthy people? Does this work in anything but the most ideal circumstances?

AIIez wrote:

6rfyoyxihdkhsodh wrote:

If you think like you indicate above - that women should sacrifice personal happiness and fulfillment for the sake of an outdated notion of family in a world full of badly behaving, unreliable men, your best bet is probably a very stupid or unattractive woman. Although the risk of course is that your children will inherit those traits.

What alternative do you know to this outdated notion of family to raise healthy people? Does this work in anything but the most ideal circumstances?

Can you really not work this out yourself?

Single motherhood or remaining childless are valid options now in society, at least this century. Both are certainly viable alternatives to the disruption caused by poor male behaviour in relationships, or sub-par male options.

Unfortunately, the reality is that relationships break down, people, often men, cheat, beat up their spouses, refuse to hold down a job to support their families, etc and women are increasingly choosing to avoid this sort of disruptive behaviour. Whether or not they still choose to have children isn't something you can force upon women.

I don't think anyone younger than forty seriously falls for the line that women donehiw have to be married with children in order to be happy/fulfilled. It is very difficult for young women to get married now as men don't want to in as many numbers as before. So women are choosing their careers as a more reluabke option.

Obviously, LetsRun is full of elderly men or thuse who have never even met, much less been in a relationship with a woman with a well remunerated professional career.

It's a bit lijke reading the Taliban's Guide to returning to the dark ages on here at times.

Flagpole. Your point 1 is wildly overstated. The definition of geriatric pregnancy needs to be adjusted. You might be interested to know that the average maternal age for first child among college educated adults in places like SF and NYC is now around 35 years old.

In general I agree with your opinions but sometimes you seems to have strong opinions about things that defy common sense and data. I suggest you look up the real risk of genetic issues by age before you describe yourself as "not a fan" of something.

6rfyoyxihdkhsodh wrote:

A lot of women (or at least those with the capacity for independent thought) now think that the liklihood of their spouse or partner leaving them and ending up a single mother anyway is quite high that they should make decisions based on whats best for themselves.

.

That’s one reason the divorce rate is so high. People focused on what’s best for themselves and not what’s best for the family. Another reason is the lack of communication, both before and during marriage, as demonstrated by the OP.