I'm 38 with 2 kids (2 and 4). Is life just hard right now or is it me?

My wife died suddenly at 34 leaving me with 3 kids ages 4, 2 and a 4 month old. I don't say this to compete on the misery index other than to point out that people survive worse.
I'm over 60 now and the kids are grown and independent and I honestly look back wistfully and reminisce about the good old days when they were young and around the house.
Enjoy this phase of your life. It won't last forever.

I know you're looking for feedback from parents with similar age kids, but can I jump in to this party too? I have a 9 month old daughter who I love with all of my heart, but this has been WAY more than I bargained for. I expected parenting to be hard, very hard at times, but I did not expect to be plunged into the deepest depression of my life with constant thoughts of self-hatred and despair. Prior to this I suppose I had a pretty easy life overall. I never thought I would suffer like I have basically my daughter's entire life. Even thinking about this bums me out because there were numerous times over the past few months where I could barely muster a smile for my daughter I was so miserable. I want her to get the best version of me as her father but so often I am unable to be that person.

I think I finally understand why the world is so messed up and there are so many miserable people. If I had felt like this my entire life I would never have been a runner, I would have done the bare minimum to survive in school, and I would probably do a ton of drugs and alcohol. Luckily I was 33 and gainfully employed by the time baby arrived. But then again, I often think this is a young man's game. Everything hurts and I'm exhausted all the time. Being in running shape is a distant memory at this point. By the time I have any free time again I'll be a crippled old man. It's a bummer, dude.

Jeez, y'all are making me not want to have kids.

young dinks wrote:

Jeez, y'all are making me not want to have kids.

Same, I'm getting less undecided here. heh.

Dudewhat? wrote:

Been there. Am still there.

A lot of people blame it on the kids for the lifestyle degrading but I'll tell you this will last only about 16 more years for you. When you're old and need assistance those same kids will be there for you. If you go broke and need help, your kids will be the safety net (not that any of us want to put that burden on our kids).

When you grow old your kids are the ones that help you in many ways. Good luck convincing your also-old friends to help you with anything when their hip just got replaced!

parents SHOULD NOT be using their kids as a safety net

blarf wrote:

I'm currently 38, run a few times per week and have two kids (2 and 4). I'm in a really good marriage, we have great jobs, but life feels so incredibly hard lately. It seems like it's largely due to the kids' age, but this has been easily the most challenging period of my life.

We live in a place without any real family support, which could also be exacerbating the pressure too. We purposefully live in a really great place while our whole family is on the east coast.

Wondering if any other parents (with older kids) out there can offer perspective. I hate to complain as a wealthy white dude with no real actual problems, but life seems overwhelming most days.

I also don't drink or do any drugs. Maybe I need to start.

I am 39 and we will have kids in a few years, so this entire thread is useful. I am somewhat dreading have kids (just kidding). But I think once we both get the kids past preschool/kindergarten, it will get easier.

Juvie wrote:

My wife died suddenly at 34 leaving me with 3 kids ages 4, 2 and a 4 month old. I don't say this to compete on the misery index other than to point out that people survive worse.
I'm over 60 now and the kids are grown and independent and I honestly look back wistfully and reminisce about the good old days when they were young and around the house.
Enjoy this phase of your life. It won't last forever.

Things could always be so much harder. So true. This is good to know that you miss the little ones around. I've heard this from other parents as well.

I'm in the same spot as the OP.

We have a newborn and kindergartner. We love and adore our kids immensely.

But just yesterday, my wife and I were talking about how overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted we are. Just completely gassed. But yes, it can always be worse but that doesn't really help you feel any better.

I think it's because you lose any sort of downtime for yourself to unwind. It's a constant "To-Do" list and your own time, goals, wishes and fun becomes completely irrelevant.

colorad0 wrote:

I'm 42 and have two kids in high school and one in middle school. Life is great! It gets so much easier and more enjoyable once they're a little bit older.

I think once the kids are in HS they are almost like mini-adults, you can talk to them and have reasonable convos with them...even if they are upset at you at times they are not totally dependent on you at that point.

Pray for time to hurry up and hit retirement. I'm only 39 and although I love my job I see so many Boomers and Xers having fun in their 60s and 70s on FB, in retirement or near retirement. And try to make it the best of it now...

young dinks wrote:

Jeez, y'all are making me not want to have kids.

I would never discourage anybody from having kids, though I do acknowledge that my post and this thread in general don't exactly encourage it. Personally I don't want to live in a world where more and more people decide they're not up for the challenge and prefer a child free lifestyle. An upside down population distribution pyramid is not where you wanna be as a society IMO. And despite the challenges, all those platitudes about the joyful moments are true. What I would say is don't go into it with any expectation that you'll ever get good sleep or be able to live like you did before. You probably will get some of those things, but there's no way to know to what extent. Some people have easy babies who start sleeping 12 hours every night by the time they're 4 months or whatever. Must be nice. We did not get an easy baby - any time we are in a parenting class or hanging out with other similar age babies, ours is by far the fussiest. "I never thought it would happen to me." Well, it did and we have to cope with it. Easier said than done, but we are surviving and overall baby is healthy and even happy sometimes.

I'm 44 with 4 kids - 15, 13, 8, and 6. I've been tired for 16 goddamn years.

Similar boat. I'm 39 and only have one kid (2 years old), and it is difficult. Great wife, great family, and good financially, but it's a struggle. I feel bad about it because I know so many people have it worse, but I feel a lot of pressure to perform at work and be a great dad, and there just is not much left over for things I enjoy. My wife works full time and is getting her Master's right now, so that makes things more difficult. I have a lot of friends with young kids and some with older kids. It seems everyone struggles some with younger kids, as they can be very trying and need a lot of supervision. My friends with older kids (7-10 range) seem to be much more relaxed now and have more time to just enjoy their kids now that they are a bit more independent.

Danicmic1 wrote:

Yes. It is hard, but it gets better. Then you miss the good ol days. Cherish each minute with them, building a good relationship now leads to a ton of fun with academics, athletics etc when they can finally “feed and water” themselves.

Yes, yes... 1000 times yes. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, parenting. But it leads to life's greatest rewards. You'll miss those days sometime in the future, my friend. I'd give anything to go back in time and watch my boy sit in the basement and have fake NASCAR races with his HotWheels. He's in college now, and the loss of those simple days aches something fierce. Try to embrace the chaos, lean on your partner, and when all else fails, hug those little ones. They won't be little for long.

It's a tougher world out there nowadays, then when we were growing up in the '80s and '90s. I empathize with all of you parents/runners. Most of us are between 35-45 in this thread. Kids are dealing with different pressures now we never faced (social media too). A lot of Xennials here.

It's also nice to see rare kindness and empathy on LRC. Having kids sounds like a TON of work...

48 years old here with 7 kids (all with the same wife of 27 years)... 2 are out of the house (but we still worry a bit about one of them). Another is wrapping up college, has a "great" job lined up and will be quite fine (though not very social). Then, 2 currently in High School - ugh. Number 6 is 10 years old and smiles a lot, and then we got a bonus baby that is 4 years old and incredibly stubborn. Yay! It's all easy-peasy! jk

You think life is hard when you're younger, but you didn't really know. Life then gets "hard", but you survive. The sun keeps coming up. Your parents and other loved ones pass away. Your dreams become laughably unattainable. And, you know you're on deck to be completely forgotten.

Maybe you made an infinitesimal difference in a worldly sense. Maybe you were an overall net positive for your kids / spouse - though they bring a lot of their own stuff to that equation. Maybe it's not all meaningless despite all appearances. A hard life isn't necessarily a bad life.

The end! :) Have a great week!

"I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them." Andy Bernard

Thank you for sharing. I found this post really inspiring. So much so that I shared it with my wife.

infinitesimal wrote:

A hard life isn't necessarily a bad life.

This is very true and I would argue that things that are "hard" are the most rewarding and enriching. And by that I don't necessarily mean things that are traumatic, thats a different kind of hard. But I find the most reward from challenges. I think its partly why I like running so much.

42 YO widower here. 13, 11, 8. Just hang on man. Once the youngest gets to first grade, life becomes fun again. Eating, dressing, basic hygiene all become autonomous. I can now take them skiing down almost everything I want to ski, bike/hike, run. Plus they become interesting and give a great deal of love.

For us, the vortex of elite youth sports was not an option- and my peers with 2 parent households seem to draw a great deal of their misery from that, meanwhile I’m sitting on a chairlift of mtb trail enjoying time as a family and still being active. kids do scholastic sports during the week which are much lower key.