Getting Angry More Often, and It's Affecting My Kids

The OPs post kinda reminds me of my dad. Highly stressed and angry from his job. Most of his abuse was emotional but he did hit me once (maybe not a huge deal in some households but it was because of my actions during a soccer game when I was 10). My mom forced him into getting therapy but he didn't take it seriously. I don't want to get into details but let's just say his mental illness won and he's no longer alive. Not saying your case is this extreme of course.

I think you should seek help OP. not only will you get some better coping skills from it you will also set a really good example for your kids. They will know it's okay to seek out help as they get older if you set an example. I hope you feel better soon.

Always try ...

Three times consider

Three times patience

Three times forgive

Daily meditation / mindfulness exercises (Calm App, Headspace, 10% Happier) might help. It may seem useless at first, however, with time you start to notice the ability to make space for frustration and anxiety. Less reactive and more responsive; less judgmental and more open. You sound on edge due to anxiety and anger is a secondary emotion. Don’t run from the fear by fleeing to anger. It’s okay to be scared. We all are. Make space for it. Good luck!

It's a symptom of depression. I know because I have it. The next symptom in the chain is paranoia.

I have had a few anger issues. You are going to need a couple of things.

1.) Find a tactic for dealing with the anger in the moment so that you don't do something you cannot undo.

2.) Eliminate unnecessary stressors. If paying attention to politics is making you angry stop.

3.) Make sure you are taking care of yourself. The pillars of self care are sleep, nutrition, exercise and relationships with others. Do what you can to make sure those are taken care of.

4.) Learn radical acceptance with regards to the stressors. Money is tight, you need to accept it, and not get angry or stressed about. Your boss is breathing down your neck for deadlines, that's his problem go in do a good job and let him worry about those issues. Your kids are doing kid things like beating the wall with a baseball bat, stop them and accept that kids do kid things.

5.) Develop a long term path forward to reduce necessary stressors. If money is a primary stressor, find a way to make more or cut spending so that it is no longer a stressor. I know for me, as long as I am nominally saving 1000/mo I don't worry about money, so it was important for us as a family to budget to that 1000/mo so that I wouldn't worry about where that money came from if e.g. the hot water heater broke, or we need to get a car fixed. If work is too stressful, start looking for another job which will be less stressful. This will help with (4) because if those stressors are temporary, they are easier to accept. If it's the kids which are stressing you out, you have to find a way to have a better relationship with them (and also (4) realize they are kids doing what kids do).

Those are the things you have to do nobody can do them for you. Other people have mentioned tactics for helping you do them, therapy, religion, mediation and medication. You'll have to find what works for you, but the reality is that no one else can do this work for you. I have found couples therapy useful in terms of eliminating many of communication issues between my wife and I. I find religion extremely helpful in terms of finding a purpose which makes the stresses in my life worthwhile. I found that medication and individual therapy was counterproductive. I would recommend watching Jonah Hill's documentary with his therapist STUTZ on netflix and attempting some of those exercises, I found those exercises to be helpful.

Wow, I've been having the exact same reactions to things lately. Something shifted for me Spring 21. I never used to get angry or anxious... Now the littlest things will set me off and I have anxiety about the smallest problems. It's to the point where I'm self-sabotaging at work. I'm not really sure what to do and I can't seem to control it. Have been thinking of talking to someone about it.

Funny someone mentioned "Stutz". I watched that recently and found it useful.

Anyway, no advice from me. Just know you're not alone.

Dooming markets should be totally irrelevant unless you are planning to sell/retire within the next few years. Ignore that sh*t.

Do not sell your "smaller house" to but a big house. Pay off the small house as fast as soon you can and get creative with the space. 4 people do not need a huge house. You will feel an amazing sense of freedom and you won't even notice that the $4 bag of chips you are buying used to be $3.50 because you have an extra $1k/month.

We (family of 4) paid off our 1600 sq ft 3BR townhouse in 3 years and it's given me inner peace far greater than I had ever imagined. Sure, some extra space and a yard would be nice but there's something that almost forces us to bond by living here. When your kids are older, they won't be angry at you for raising them in a small house, but they will remember stuff like you smashing their toys or having violent outbursts.

Little kids are hard. My wife and I also had two rough patches that were about a year long. Are they in preschool/daycare? However, the early years are tough for everyone, there is no way around it. Even "easy" kids can still be a challenge. The problems are many when kids are, but the problems are usually small and very manageable (whining). There will be fewer problems later but they will likely be bigger (depression, getting involved with the wrong crowd, bullying, poor grades, or even worse).

Since you are on LR I assume you run? Running has kept my stress levels in check. But hitting the gym to lift 2x/week has done even more. There's no better feeling than angrily benching a new 1-rep max for the first time. My wife even noticed that I had become mellower a few months after I started lifting. Also, stay the f*ck away from alcohol.

You seem like a good guy. The fact that you are asking for help before it gets out of control is commendable and is a great sign. Best of luck to you.

It's not healthy to become enraged like you're describing. Get professional help.

If you don't act soon, you're going to do something stupid, and a court will order you to seek professional help. So, you can either do it voluntarily now, or spend a bunch of money on court and attorney fees to end up in the same place.

Drinking will only make things worse.

I feel the same way, dude. Always used to be very laid-back and relaxed, was patient with my kids, never really felt stressed out. I also work from home now, facing continued COVID challenges, money issues, and a shorter temper. After careful consideration, I've chalked it up to a bunch of factors, including not being able to have downtime, constant outrage from the media, and probably some low-level depression. I've been meditating for ten minutes a day lately, in an effort to reclaim some calmness and it does help. Not 100% obviously, but the daily reminder to be mindful and practice compassion with myself and others takes the edge off. I've gone from thinking I needed to be on medication to feeling stressed, but usually able to handle it.

Obviously this may not work for you, but I'd recommend giving meditation a try, making sure to schedule some time away for you to spend with friends, and talking to your doctor about your concerns. What you're describing is not healthy, for you or your family. You need to take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of yourself for those around you.

You need to run more, seriously.

You need to take care of yourself.
At work, just do what you can do and don't worry about the rest.

And go out for a run. That's what we do as runners.

Im also a mid 30s dad with young kids (3 in my case) feeling the financial pressure from the current macroeconomic situation. I've never lost my temper with my kids or anyone else like you are describing. You could probably benefit from some anger management therapy now before you do something you will really regret in the ehat of the moment.

Anger is fed by the ideas you have about how things should be and what has been happening. For instance, if you think someone is doing something irritating to you on purpose, you're much more likely to react angrily than if you think they had no idea it bothered you, like cracking their knuckles. Standing in line is a good example of how you can change your emotions by changing your ideas about the process. If you think, I've got to get this done quickly so I can get home, etc., you'll be impatient and angry. If you think, it is what it is, then you'll be patient and get through it. If you use the occasion to banter with others in line, then it'll go by like nothing. So, change your ideas about what things going into them and you'll change your emotions about them. Kids are just being kids. Cut them some slack. People bump into other people on crowded streets because they're crowded or because they were distracted. No big deal.

Second, get into exercise in a situation that you like, whether with or without family.

Third, get more sleep.

Fourth, stay hydrated. This is no joke. Many, many fights in our household start because we have gotten dehydrated and it's a pressure on the brain not yet noticed.

Fifth, get a late afternoon snack. This is the same deal as #4.

I'll just say this, the world seems angrier overall these days so you are not alone. At first my reaction to it was an angry reaction but now I try to slow down and remove myself from that emotion because reacting with anger is rarely, if ever, a winning strategy.

Assuming the OP isn't trolling there seems to be a lot of good advice in here. Try to slow down and focus only on things you can control. Take a deep breath when feeling stress. Maybe exercise more or meditate anything to get you to focus less on the stress in your life. The person who wrote 'kids will do kid things' is correct... just try to slow down before reacting to things that make you angry. It will take time but you can do it.

I have to disagree with people saying you should get therapy. The last three years have been rough and everyone is more angry than they used to be. The media, corporations and politicians of all colours and from various nations are unfortunatly encouraging and amplifying it.
Just hang in there and try not to do anything you regret too much.

Not normal behavior and yes you should seek professional help before it escalates. As it is you are creating a bad environment for your wife and kids, she is probably freaked out.

Anger management. Contact a local therapist or consider domestic violence center they may have resources / support group / therapy recommendations.

I will echo the sentiment that kids tend to exacerbate things. Now, I am probably over-thinking this, but I have done some deep dives on my own anger. My conclusion is that our current environment is such that we feel like we cannot say "no" - to bosses, spouses, the people who sell us stuff, etc.

What does this have to do with kids? They have the power to say no, to us and to all other authority figures in the world, and have not yet learned otherwise. I hate using "trigger" as a word, but hearing kids say no is triggering. Why? Because it reminds us of a freedom we feel like we don't have, or feel like we have been forced to give up in order to have a safe, easy life. The problem is that life is no longer safe nor easy, as evidenced by the last three years, and our sacrifice was for nothing. Now we are stuck with the consequences of not saying no.

The truth is, however, that we can say no, and we could have done so all along. And, the cost of doing so is not as great as what we catastrophize in our minds. It is hard to say no, because we have been trained not to do so. And, when we do finally crack and say no, we deliver this simple word with the weight of years of resentment and anger behind it, such that we come across as a psycho.

When you realize that most of the worlds' current problems are the result of narcissists building a system where nobody can ever say no to them, it can be both freeing and terrifying. When you realize that every angry display you make is a way to say no without having to actually have the courage and vulnerability to simply say no, you start to see your role in this toxic system.

The lesson? Grow a pair and stand up for what you want. Doing so makes you better than the hordes of billionaires who do crazy things like become President, buy Twitter, or build online retail monopolies, all in the hopes that they will become so powerful that nobody can say no to them ever again.

You might want to see a professional. A sudden personality change indicates something is going on. If its bubbling under deep enough you can't figure it out on your own, then see someone. Do that before you do something you regret.

Normal young-dad life is stressful. I've been there. It can be a happy time but also incredibly high stress at time. What's not normal is to lose control of your behavior in ways you don't understand. See someone.

Do NOT start drinking more. If you're losing control of your emotions and prone to impulsive outbursts during this time, more alcohol could make that worse.

All work and no play ...