How much does divorce affect kids if the parents do it amicably and remain in the same town?

People who are dysfunctional in marriage are probably going to have a dysfunctional divorce. So the kid will trade one kind of dysfunction for another.

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in my observation wrote:

in denial wrote:

A lot, don’t kid yourself.

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mytwocents wrote:

in my observation wrote:

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As a kid of divorced parents when I was 14.. I'm 26 now.. it affected me a lot for a long time.

Because even though they were personally happier, it was for me a shock to lose what I always had known. It's like suddenly everything you knew on a deep level ceased to exist, or is drastically modified.

Especially when they start meeting other people etc.

in denial wrote:

Frank G. wrote:

A man and woman have 1 or more children together, and one or both of the parents decides on divorce. Assuming they are reasonable about it, mindful not to use the kids as pawns or throw mud at the other parent, etc, and both parents remain in the same town, how much does it affect the kids? If one or both parents are markedly happier after the divorce, could that be a bit of a positive in a way? Anyone go through something like this, either as a kid or a parent? Would be very curious to hear any first-hand experiences...

A lot, don’t kid yourself.

Don't kid yourself, staying married for the kids sake is WAY worse than getting divorced. If you are thinking about getting divorced, especially if you have kids, then you are in a seriously toxic relationship. If you partner isn't willing to help root out the relationship's toxicity it will be much better for the kids if you DO get divorced.

That being said, if you are the toxic one... the only way to help your kids is to stop being toxic. If sleeping with everyone you meet is what makes you happy, you being happier by getting divorced is just going to f up your kids.

I don’t remember my parents ever being married and I don’t remember the divorce. They split when I was a baby and I saw my dad every other weekend. My mom married my stepdad a few years after and i had a very supportive upbringing. My parents did everything to allow me opportunities and overall i was a super positive, motivated kid. By all accounts I’m “successful” now. I don’t resent my parents for divorcing and I never have. Divorce “didn’t affect me”, except that it did because I unfortunately managed to get a divorce myself. And it’s wild because i remember being confused when it was happening asking myself “how did I let this happen after i told myself I’d never do what my parents did?” Well, I went into marriage at a very young age, totally blind and unaware of things to look out for, and I made the same mistakes my parents did. History repeats itself, and the research supports that. Studies show kids are impacted negatively, and are more likely to divorce themselves. My ex and i have a kid, and while we are amicable and never talk about the other person negatively, have a 50/50 parenting plan, and have tried to do it ‘the right way’ by living close to each other and always trying to put our kid first, you can’t deny that our kid would have likely done better had we stayed together. Am i happier now and is my ex? Yes, and I’d probably still go through with the split if I could go back in time, because we really should not have married, but i would be a moron if I said my kid will not have issues one way or another one day, and that’s something you’ll need to be honest with yourself about and take responsibility for. Think long and hard about the disruption and pain your kids will feel, and if you still decide to go through with it, talk openly about what you would do differently and what you hope your kids will learn from your mistakes (when they’re old enough). Help them break the cycle and help them learn how to have healthy relationships. My kid does very well in school, is confident and happy overall and is very much loved by both of us, but they will be affected one way or another even if we don’t see it now. I guess my advice is if you go through with it and truly feel like it’s the best choice, be intentional about helping your kids avoid the same mistakes you made.

Interesting responses here.

Married many years; have multiple kids, now HS and college aged. Wife and I rarely, if ever, talk. I'm sure kids sense it and at times I find they "protect" their dad to a degree. Almost all communication goes through the kids. I question if the kids would be relieved knowing mom and dad decided to split up. Tough to stick with it for the kids, but feel that's what I need to do.

Exhibit A - poster states that it didn’t impact them at all. Then goes on to show the significant impacts it has made on their ability/desire to have a committed relationship. You’re lying to yourself that your selfish decision is best.

My senior citizen parents are alive and happily married, and I’m happily married and a parent, so maybe I don’t know much about divorce first-hand, but I’ve witnessed a lot second/third hand, and I’m the grandchild of divorced grandparents and departed grandparents who were married to the end who maybe never should have married and super messed up most of their kids at one point or another. I have a relative who was a cruddy parent and was divorced, but I know that person would have been a cruddy parent married, too.

I knew some kids when I was in school whose parents waited until most or all of their children left home to divorce (either they were mutually sticking it out unhappily together or one party was waiting to leave the other for infidelity). In most of those cases, the kids (now adults) have better relationships with each parent post-divorce than they did pre-divorce, and in many cases everyone agreed that they should have split sooner despite their attempts to do what they thought would be best for their kids (or best to avoid scandal for themselves, sometimes it’s hard to disentangle). In other cases the kids (now adults) only have a relationship with one divorced parent — but we all knew even as kids that so-and-so’s dad/mom (usually dad) wasn’t great news (insert your own childhood friend’s parents) and for all I know those kids wouldn’t have had a relationship with that parent anyway or maybe even both had the couple stuck it out. You can’t ever know for sure the outcome of choices not made.

Look, the poster who framed a hypothetical divorce as outlined by the OP as “less bad” hit on a really key point, but it’s broader than just the divorce question. There are ten thousand ways to screw up your kids, actively and passively. My wife and I worry about jointly screwing up our children together. Divorce is one way, but unhealthy relationships and unhealthy family dynamics is another. I disagree with the posters calling the parents contemplating divorce selfish. Here’s the real question: what will enable the two people in question to be the best parents they can be to their kid(s)? For most people I’d hope that means staying married and working things out, but for others actually getting divorced can lead to better parenting. The ideal scenario isn’t always an actual option, so the question should be divorce as an alternative to what, exactly? What’s selfish looking at the set of options available and choosing one that’s worse for your kid(s) because you value your own priorities more than their well-being. But people make those choices everyday and not just about marriage and divorce.

Both divorce and dysfunctional marriage could have negative effect on kids. The question is which is worse, and the answer is "it depends."

My parents never got divorced, although my mother wanted. She left him anyway as soon as I reached adulthood (I was the youngest kid), but he never signed the paper so that he could "save face."

I don't know if my life would have been better, worse or the same, if they had got divorced. Yeah, it would have been better if they had had functional marriage. But that was not an option.

Keep selfishly telling yourself that.

Its like smashing down the walls of their house.

I was 15 and now old. It messed with me. Made me angry and went from straight laced to full throttle too. This is good advice and something that needs to be said. "Bottom line: if you had kids and got divorced, you F’d up and now need to be selfless enough to put their interests ahead of yours and start making some compromises."

....also show me a kid who doesn't have abandonment issues leaking out somewhere.

OP here. Lots of different opinions and experiences on this. My own experience was pretty atypical I think, but I thought I would share it anyway. Before I begin, I want to make it clear I'm not trying to trash either of my parents but that I'm just trying to be honest, as honest I can be from my perspective.

I'm the youngest of 3, currently in my early 30s. From what I can tell, my parents had a good marriage for maybe about 6 years, then an okay marriage for another 8 maybe, and then it was pretty bad from then on. We (my parents and I; we all three get along fine together now) recently watched a bunch of old home videos starting from only a couple years into my parents' marriage, so I feel like I have both the perspective from when I was a kid and looking back on things as an adult now. There were always problems in the family, but I remember us being relatively happy up until the mid 90s, then things started going downhill. Both of my parents changed a lot, but my mom changed an enormous degree and developed into a really miserable person to be around period, let alone have as a mother or wife. I'm not really sure what happened, but she also become kind of literally crazy, not in a haha way, but in a way that is profoundly traumatizing.

There were other things going on too, but I think being married to my mom caused my dad a lot of stress and grief, and it absolutely affected him and what kind of parent he was capable of being. My mom just kept getting crazier, and my dad didn't cope well and became pretty miserable and difficult to be around also. Some of that was just him, but stress and unhappiness made him more and more short-tempered and irrational, and I don't think he was really able to be mindful of his kids' emotional needs because of his own emotional state. I vividly remember being in high school and dying for my dad to divorce my mom, and I still to this day know my life would have been exponentially better had my dad divorced my mom sometime between 2004 and 2007 instead of waiting until I was out of high school and off to college (divorce finalized in 2011). As it was, the divorce didn't affect me at all and wasn't surprising to me at all. My mom was somehow blindsided, and it devastated her, which I felt sorry about, but truthfully, I was happy for my dad and told him I didn't blame him. His life improved so dramatically after leaving my mom that it would seem bizarre to me to hold anything against him. He got a new girlfriend after a couple years, and even though I never connected with her and they even broke up about a year ago, I'm still glad he had that relationship in his life as it really revitalized him in a way. He was happier, more outgoing, made lots of friends, and all around just started living more. My mom never really recovered fully, but in all honesty, the divorce was good for her in a way too because it forced her to apply herself in life some, and her self-esteem is probably the highest at present it's ever been in her life, and she's much more functional than she was those last 8 or so years of marriage.

Getting back to the original question, I can tell you with absolute certainty that divorce was better for all involved (with the possible exception of my mom, but that was due to her own actions and attitude), it did not negatively affect me at all other than the normal stuff you have to deal with like splitting holidays etc, and I wish the divorce would have happened sooner. I can't say how it would have affected me if it had happened when I was a small child, but had it happened when it probably needed to (probably 5 years before it finally did), it would have freed me somewhat from being around my mother, and it would have dramatically improved the quality of parent my dad was capable of being. I recently told him I was dying for him to divorce my mom in high school, and he said the only reason he didn't was he was afraid of how it would affect me.

Divorce happens for many different reasons, some of which are not justified. If two people have kids together and parent well together but just don't feel passion for each other, I'm not sure divorce is justified, at least when the kids are young. If the relationship is toxic, however, especially if it's bad enough that it affects the quality of parenting one or both parents can give, I think divorce can be and often is the better of two evils. I have never been married, so take this with a grain of salt, but my own opinion, taking some from my own observations and (non-marital) relationship experience, is if you are seriously considering divorce as an option, the marriage is already dead and likely has been for a long time. It is easy to stay in okay relationships. It is not easy to stay in bad, toxic, dysfunctional relationships.

Just my experience and two cents.