In love with a (unhappily) married woman who is also in love with me... Would like some input.

A friend of mine went through this and would be the ultimate authority, if I could ask him. I can't because the woman's husband shot him with a shotgun, close range in the chest.

My advice...don't talk to this woman again until you divorce your wife and she divorces her husband. If that doesn't happen, you were thinking with the wrong head.

Yes one time cheater, always cheater. But people love to believe they are so special the other person would only ever cheat for them

Just tell her you can't do this anymore. It isn't fair to either of you and you need a clean break. Go to zero contact. Take a vacation and change your routines when you come back. Meet new people who aren't married. If she gets divorced and hunts you down in a year or two, great, but for all the reasons already stated, run away.

I have a step brother that is on wife #3 or #4 and each one started like this. More alimony, more kids in therapy. Each new marriage had its own new kid, like an anchor baby to justify all the ash and trash they left behind in their prior marriages.

The awesome connection, emotional high, doesn't last more than 6-24 months at best. After that it is real life and if you are married you then learn that love = action and intentionality. That can be great but she has already been through the high and low with husband #1 and you would be data point #2 so if she thinks that intro high is real marriage then yes, she will be tired of you and shopping in a few years.

sayyestonepotism wrote:

Yes one time cheater, always cheater. But people love to believe they are so special the other person would only ever cheat for them

Why are you involved with a married women who has kids? Are you that unable to find a single women?

Honestly this is not a troll response, but you seem like you have very little relationship experience otherwise you would know not to get involved int his situation.

Nothing good will come of it.

Walter H wrote:

It's very complicated. Neither of us know what is best...

Here's some necessary input that nobody seems willing to provide: f*ck you, dude. Your situation is not that complicated. You both suck and have made a series of selfish decisions that have left you at the bottom of a deep hole.

If you're so concerned about the potential negative impact of divorce on her kids, then maybe you should give a little more thought to the potential traumatic impact of the kids eventually discovering that mom has had a secret boyfriend for years who only appears when dad goes out of town. You need to stop sneaking around like rats and your affair partner needs to end her marriage.

There is an adage among marriage and family therapists that says when a married person is having an affair with someone other than his/her spouse the affair is about the spouse and not about the person with whom they're having the affair. Is it always true? Almost nothing is but adages don't become adages for nothing. I actually had a client once in your situation and his issue was that his unhappily married girlfriend just would not make the jump and leave her husband. I can't say what will happen in your case but it's entirely possible that what you're doing is actually helping her stay in her marriage because she feels less alone, unloved, etc.

If you're both in love, encourage her to get divorced so you can be together. Show her you have a future together. Your post sounds so vague it actually gives a convincing reason she hasn't set her divorce in motion yet.

People get divorced all the time. People change, or meet someone else they feel happier with, it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means they are human. Most attractive, desirable people are rarely single.

At the moment, I'd guess she isn't looking on you as a long term bet because you are doing nothing to move this forwards.

So your choices are to stay the way you are, unhappy, or for her to get divorced and for you to offer her the security of marriage and taking on her kids.

(Is there a reason you can't find a single woman? Are you actually afraid of committment/terribly ugly/have social or other undisclosed problems?)

She’s lying to you

As others said, walk away. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way now, but there are plenty of single women you could have just as good a relationship with.

If down there road you learn that she has decided to get divorced (and has), revisit the relationship.

End it now. If she ever gets divorced, you can revisit if you and her still want to be together, but that should be well after the divorce. While she is married you should not be seeing this woman. This is not just the best for you, but her as well. So, if you love her, do the right thing. How she moves forward will tell you everything you need to know about this "true love" and if there ever is potentially a future together.

Pics?

I know you tried to keep it short but I need some more details.

1. How old are you?

2. How many relationships have you been in? Serious relationships? How many women have you dated? How many have gave you romantic attention?

You may very well be extremely compatible people. But if you're on the younger side and don't have a significant history with women then i'd err on the side of caution and not get too wrapped up in the situation....

Everyone saying that divorce will ruin the kids.

A sham of a marriage can have a pretty miserable impact on kids as well.

Why would you or anyone get in a relationship with someone who is cheating on another person to attain a fling with you? It really perplexes me why people do this. Yet love is blind, dammit. It can take away logic.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You'll be the next victim. Think with your mind and not your D.

Not only have I been through this, I was also married. For me this occurred in 2012. I may have even posted on LRC about some of my issues at the time. We did both divorce our spouses and got married in 2013. We are still married now.

I would be happy to converse with you in private, if you want (email or similar). It is an ugly topic and I don't want too much of my personal info out there.

I also know of several other couples this has happened to, I can give you some real honest to goodness insight into what is about to happen.

In terms of the husband you're only getting her side of the story. I'm sure if you asked him he'd tell you he works his ass off to the bone for his family and is hardly appreciated for it or something like that. You're convincing yourself he's a bad guy to justify the fact that your messing around with a married woman... maybe he really is a bad guy but her opinion on this is definitely biased.

If it's really a dead marriage that's between her and him. She needs to decide what she wants. You should back off. I don't necessarily mean an ultimatum or something that dramatic but if she's unwilling to leave her husband then you need to move on...

I’ve known a few dudes who were actually pretty smart and together people find themselves in this situation.

Love is a battlefield. Lol

The obvious answer is to cut off contact and consider it dead. Then if she searches you out in the future after a divorce you’ll prob have a great 4mo relationship and it will fizzle. Haha.

Good luck. Don’t get killed. You’re flirting with a variety of negative outcomes.

Cut off the relationship now.

You don't owe her anything. This woman is an emotional vacuum. You probably are too. Take some time to consider what you are getting out of the affair and why you aren't pursuing more traditional relationships.

There are good reasons for divorce. There are people who get divorced and remarry happily.

There are not good reasons for infidelity or intruding on someone else's marriage- sexually or emotionally.

Signed-

A divorced cheater.