Age 34 w/ 3 year old. I don't want another - so she wants to separate.

As the parent of a special needs child, I find it funny when people try to plan these things, or say things like, " I have 3 girls and 2 boys...one more boy would be nice to even things out." These lines of thinking are so naive to what parenting

can really entail.

Make sure your wife is fully thoughtful of what life will look like if you are at the hospital once/month, building a house with ramps, changing your 10 year-old's diaper, etc. Life can quickly get real, especially for someone who assumes they are in control of destiny enough to plan a number of children, and even their sex.

And man, adopt...so many kids in need. (People say, "adoption is hard, it can take a while," squeezing a person through a vagina is hard too and takes 9 months)

CrispyChicken wrote:

At this point its not about you or her, its about the child that you two have already made. That child is the #1 responsibility of both you and her. The best interest of that child is to live with both parents. Through life, the child would also do well to have a sibling, if not for anything else to help care for you and your woman's old crinkly asses.

This and the post below it are typical LRC garbage. While the kid is important, your lives are too. I’ve seen this play out several times: people who are miserable in life because they give up everything for the kids, only for their kids to become miserable because they in turn give everything up for their children, etc. It’s natural selection’s cruel joke.

You’re 34, not 80, and so think of how you want the rest of your life to be. If you’re happier, you’ll be a better father to the one you have. That said, how do you feel about starting over?

If the fertility issues were yours, having a second will be tough anyhow. You can decrease the odds by unloading your gun within 24 hours of each attempt (reduces your sperm count). If the issues were hers, the first baby can open the flood gates. Just make it a condition that you don’t use fertility meds or in vitro as that is a recipe for multiples (twins or more). What is your opposition to having another? Does she just want an excuse to stay home?

Not procreating enough will be the eventual downfall of the human race.

Malthusian wrote:

Not procreating enough will be the eventual downfall of the human race.

LMAO! I thought this was another dolt until I saw the username.

Typical liberal selfishness.

If she's 34 as well then she's getting pretty old to be wanting 'multiple' more kids. If she got pregnant NOW she'd probably be 35 years old for your second kid and that's already a geriatric pregnancy. She has missed the ball to have a bunch of healthy babies. And if she leaves you she'll have yet another delay to find another partner and be even older than 35.

She's probably going through a midlife crisis knowing she's getting old and only has one kid, yet she wants many. So she's freaking out. Women have that biological clock. Guys can keep knocking up chicks into their 50's and it doesn't really make a difference.

CrispyChicken wrote:

suspicion in the ignition wrote:

This and the post below it are typical LRC garbage. While the kid is important, your lives are too. I’ve seen this play out several times: people who are miserable in life because they give up everything for the kids, only for their kids to become miserable because they in turn give everything up for their children, etc. It’s natural selection’s cruel joke.

You’re 34, not 80, and so think of how you want the rest of your life to be. If you’re happier, you’ll be a better father to the one you have. That said, how do you feel about starting over?

Typical liberal selfishness.

I'm liberal, but I agree with the Chicken man here.

If you can work it out, stay together for the child you have. And having another won't be so terrible.

Now, if you will be screaming at each other for the entire time the child grows up, maybe splitting up now would be best. Kids have been messed up over terrible marriages.

I would sacrifice my own happiness for my children to have a better life in a heartbeat.

It is pretty hit or miss with siblings. Even the ones who have a decent relationship will fight over everything when they are little. And then there is college. My boss has three step kids and one that is his. They all went to out of state or private Universities. He is on the hook for almost $1 mil in student debt.

On the other hand, there are far worse things in the world than having two or three kids (sounds like fertility will keep family size small). Relationships are about compromises, but are more often about letting the other side win and just dealing with it. I have been with my wife for 21 years in large part because of a long list of things that I just let go of and let her get her way. Couples that I have seen divorce broke up in large part because both sides were constantly keeping score on who got their way and every family decision looked like the Oslo Accords. In the long run, you can be right or you can be married.

CrispyChicken wrote:

suspicion in the ignition wrote:

This and the post below it are typical LRC garbage. While the kid is important, your lives are too. I’ve seen this play out several times: people who are miserable in life because they give up everything for the kids, only for their kids to become miserable because they in turn give everything up for their children, etc. It’s natural selection’s cruel joke.

You’re 34, not 80, and so think of how you want the rest of your life to be. If you’re happier, you’ll be a better father to the one you have. That said, how do you feel about starting over?

Typical liberal selfishness.

Right, I forgot the dogma handed down: thou’s life shalt end at 21 when child rearing is commandeth and he who spurns this order to procreate has failed and shalt be flamed on LRC.

Put another way, if your kid was hopeful about his own life and didn’t want a flock of children, would you wish him to be miserable and yet have kids himself or more satisfied and balanced but without? Is all the sacrifice you’ve given for your own child worth it if he ends up unhappy but still multiplies?

Get snipped in secret. Problem solved!

you married a bad person

She's 34 as well? wrote:

If she's 34 as well then she's getting pretty old to be wanting 'multiple' more kids. If she got pregnant NOW she'd probably be 35 years old for your second kid and that's already a geriatric pregnancy. She has missed the ball to have a bunch of healthy babies. And if she leaves you she'll have yet another delay to find another partner and be even older than 35.

She's probably going through a midlife crisis knowing she's getting old and only has one kid, yet she wants many. So she's freaking out. Women have that biological clock. Guys can keep knocking up chicks into their 50's and it doesn't really make a difference.

Lol. Didn't realize it was still 1970. Most people laugh at the idea that 35 is still considered a geriatric pregnancy.

For us... First kid at 32, second at 34, third at 36. TBD on fourth. MANY MANY MANY people are having kids into their late 30s early 40s now. You know nothing.

In general there is overly binary advice here. Nobody here can tell you if this is indicative of larger problems in your marriage. Ya, divorce ultimatums are pretty much a red line that my wife and I would never cross even in the deepest disagreements but other people may not have that level of reverence to the vows they took.

The reality is that it will be better for you kid if you guys can stay together and get along. If you guys can't get to that point and will literally be screaming bloody murder at each other all the time then ya cut the chord for everyone's sanity. As to those people telling you to just have another kid for the hell of it please don't do that. 2 kids is WAY harder than 1. That 2 hours of free time you can find for yourself a day is now down to 30 min. I literally have to schedule my $hits with my wife now. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and life, but it is a LOT of work.

highhoppingworm wrote:

The reality is that it will be better for you kid if you guys can stay together and get along.

As a child of a couple who did this, then divorced once we were old enough - NO.

They WILL NOT get along. I lived through this.

OP - you need to prepare for divorce now and move on.

Yes because your experience is reflective of every relationship everywhere. Give me a break. This stuff is very situational.

themack wrote: not affordable, didn't want the change in lifestyle.

Come on, man. Nothing in life can fill you with as much joy or break your heart as deeply as a child. Give your wife, or at least try to, what is most important to her. As others pointed out, sounds like there's a good chance you're done even if you're trying. Give it a shot, give her hope. If it works, share the joy and travail. If it doesn't happen, grieve together. At least you were trying to give her her heart's desire and weren't the putz who pissed on her dream to hang on to your trifling "lifestyle".

Secretly get a vasectomy. then you can have a ton of trying and just plan it on nature.

Easy-peasy